5 Reasons Why Guys Leave The Girls They Love… And What To Do About It

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5 Reasons Why Guys Leave The Girls They Love… And What To Do About It

October 12, 2008

You’ve been with your guy for awhile now… he’s into you, you’re into him. As an anniversary fast approaches, you imagine nothing but a shining future together. Happiness.

Then – out of nowhere – he calls it quits.

What went wrong?

Since I’ve had some experience with this and since, obviously, I am a guy myself – here’s my take on the most common reasons this could happen toyou and how I believe they can be helped.

REASON #1

First of all, you need to get the idea out of your mind that “something went wrong.” This is because of the fundamental difference in how men and women think about commitment.

Women tend to get serious when they find the right man. But men… men tend to get serious with whomever they happen to be seeing when they’re finally ready to “settle down.”

It’s like a switch that goes off in their mind.

Some guys only feel comfortable with “settling down” after certain aspects of their life are in order. That could mean finishing school, reaching some important milestone in their business, owning a certain possession (like that car they always wanted or some awesome place to live), or when lots of their friends begin to get married – thus leaving them the “lone single guy” to fend for himself.

In other words, when there’s no one left to swap girl adventure stories with, when the fancy place and lots of money is secure, and when there are no more mountains left to climb… that is when a lot of guys feel “ready” for marriage or some other kind of long-term commitment.

The problem I see with these types of guys is their whole concept of “settling down” makes assumptions that don’t have to be true. They are reluctant to be with a woman long term because they’re “not done yet” with all the things they want to accomplish or don’t yet have the things they think will secure his life with this “final woman.” This is making the assumption that once they’re with this girl, they’ll never be able to do anything they really wanna do, ever again – like the girl will hold them back from their true desires. Part of it also makes the assumption things have to be “perfect” in some way to finally be “ready.”

Well, I can tell you… this concept of “settling down” comes from the mental programming of society, the movies, and TV. It is society’s reality, but it doesn’t have to be the man’s reality. If a man’s true desires would be thwarted by a particular woman, then she is certainly NOT the woman for him… and he should look elsewhere. And if he’s concerned about possessions, he probably doesn’t realize what most women really want is a man with ambition, a man who’s GOING somewhere and is SURE about his destination, and CONFIDENT about getting there… rather than the man who already has everything and is satisfied.

If you sense this thought might be floating around in YOUR guy’s mind, you need help him feel the freedom he desires and let him know it’s OK he’s not John Rockefeller yet – you’ll get there together, and help each other out. Contrary to what he believes, it’s far better to meet a woman while he’s climbing the ladder than to deal with all the gold-diggers later. The journey really is more fun than the destination – better he takes it with you, someone who knows him well. And besides, it truly is lonely at the top… and if that’s where he’s going, he’s gonna need all the company he can get.

In life, there’s seldom such a thing as being “ready.” Some of the best things that have happened to me in my life, I was never ready for. I wanted something, an opportunity came along, and ready or not, I reached out and seized it! That’s how it happens. If you wait for some big buildup of resources and experience before taking an action, you’ll be saving up for a rainy day that never comes.

REASON #2

Sometimes when a guy’s with a woman – even if he loves her – there’s still the tendency to think silently to himself, “Is this really as good as it gets?” or something like “I’ve done this well… Can I do better?”

Thinking like this leads him to instantly imagine what it would be like to be with any new attractive woman he meets – even if you’re standing right there beside him. No matter how great you are, this kind of man is wondering if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.

He doesn’t want to feel like he’s “missing out.”

In addition to opportunistic tendencies, some guys feel compelled to put as many relationships under their belt as possible until they feel like they’ve experienced “enough” women – whatever that ends up being. Every guy’s definition of “enough” is different, so there could be a chance you’re not late enough on his list of differences he wants to experience.

In this kind of situation, the man wants one of two things:

1. He wants to experience enough women so he can feel confident about what he wants and does not want so he doesn’t make a mistake when finally committing to one woman.

or…

2. He wants to be able to say to himself and brag to other guys about the number of women he’s been with. He wants an ego boost and to validate himself, both in his own mind and in the minds of others. He wants to “have his fun first” before settling down (there’s that stupid phrase again.)

There’s not much you can do about the man in #1. This especially happens with younger guys, 18 to 24 or so. In my view, it’s a natural part of growing up and becoming a mature man who is sure of himself and what he wants out of life. Any guy forced to make a serious commitment decision before this time is going to have confidence problems and internal emotional issues that will plague him for the duration of your relationship. A lot of marriages happen too soon and quickly fall apart for this very reason.

The guy in #1 is OK in my book… he’s just still figuring things out. (unless, of course, he’s unusually old… then he has no excuse and is more likely a #2.)

It’s the man in #2 that has the real problems. Overcoming this kind of man’s objections is VERY difficult, mainly because the real issue here lies in his own maturity and desires that create conflicts of interest. Personally, I don’t think you should even TRY to overcome them with this guy; better to leave him before he ends up hurting you. Or, simply enjoy his company in a casual way, knowing full well what you’re involved with and prepare yourself for the consequences. This is a man who is not likely to mature for a very long time (or ever) because his struggles with validation run deeper than merely the two of you and other women. Possibly childhood stuff, or experiences in high school. As soon as this kind of guy gets the chance, he’s going to cheat on you and as soon as someone new comes along, he will leave you completely.

It’s not because he wants to hurt you or doesn’t love you… it’s just because he bases a lot of his self-worth on numbers of conquests. He feels worthless unless that number is ever increasing. Sometimes this comes from the perception that “everyone else is having more fun” than he is, or that “everyone else is more experienced” than he is or that by sleeping with someone new, he is somehow “making up for lost ground” that occurred at some point in his past. He’s spent years burning these ideas into his mind, they’ve damaged his thinking, and they’re not going away easily.

It’s not your job to solve this type of man’s problems. Go find someone else. There are better men out there.

REASON #3

There’s the time you chastise him for leaving a wet towel on the bed, to those nights you rip through an entire pint of Triple Fudge Ripple without stopping to breathe – these are the incidents men quietly file under a little mental folder labeled “Evidence She’ll Change For The Worse.”

And when something happens – when something big happens – he’ll flip through that mental file and use it against you to tip the scales in favor of a decision that would be harder to make otherwise.

Even if he’s crazy about you now, deep down lies two secret fears.

A fear that your cute little reminders will evolve into big, ugly, incessant nags.

And a fear that your occasional “comfort food” binge will lead to packing on the pounds and therefore no longer the sexy, exciting, energetic woman he came to know and love.

(And don’t you dare think for a minute that second one there is “shallow” or some other such thing. Excessive weight gain from too much bad food causes severe changes in personality, health, and mood. It isn’t just your figure he’s worried about, but your overall vibe permanently taking a plunge.)

So guys flag certain behaviors of yours as potential harbingers of bad things to come.

Guys also hear a lot from friends, movies, and society about how romance takes a total nosedive after they get serious with a girl.

This is another one of those things that may be the reality of other people, but does not have to be YOUR reality. Your reality is what you make it. I firmly believe that. I live by it every day.

Sure, things change. The very definition of life IS change. But commitment in a relationship should not be seen as some kind of “end game” where all bets are off and we can finally “relax”, let ourselves go, and begin a downward slide into oblivion.

We’re all going to change in life. The goal is just to make sure it’s good change – always for the better. Always improving.

REASON #4

A friend once told me, “I stayed with one woman for two years because we had fun together. She never pushed the issue, but I knew the minute I met her that she wasn’t The One.”

Ouch.

It’s entirely possible for a guy to love being with you, but not love you… at least not enough to commit all the way. There’s no guarantee what a guy feels will evolve into that kind of love.

So why would a guy invest so much in a relationship he knows will ultimately end?

This one comes down to a life philosophy that’s different than most. And that is the zen achieved by living in the moment and enjoying what we have NOW… being present right here, and not lost in our heads thinking about something else, or making life-altering decisions we’re not sure we can keep.

Life is about change. All relationships end. Some end in death, some before that. Life is short. There’s no reason to cut off what makes both of you happy now in favor of something else that does not yet exist.

Someone once told me, “Whether it’s 2 years or 20 years or my whole life: I’ll always be able to say it was a great 2 years, a great 20, or a great life. Any of those is better than no great time at all.”

And you know what? I think that person was right.

If this is your guy, then trying to “convince” him otherwise is missing the point entirely. Best not to fight him on it and if you don’t agree, then peacefully leave to find another guy who can love you as much as you love him.

REASON #5

This is a weird one.

Sometimes a guy can feel like he’s TOO attached to you, throwing his sense of masculine power, control, and confidence into jeopardy.

When this type of guy feels it coming on, he’ll launch a preemptive strike and break up with you first to “save himself” from the eventual pain he knows he will feel when you do it.

Crazy?

Well, not so fast. Think about how vulnerable and paranoid you feel when you’re nuts about a guy, and realize that sometimes we go through the same thing with girls we really like. Most guys’ friends aren’t as good at helping them get over an ex as yours are, and they also have this idea in their minds that being openly heartbroken makes them look like wusses. Instead, they think it’s better to act like a “winner” before you turn them into a “loser”, which is when his natural self-preservation may come into play. Before the real humiliation and pain infest him like a disease, ending the relationship seems like a good option.

This kind of guy has several problems in his head that have nothing to do with you or the situation at hand. It has to do with HIMSELF and what it means to him to be a man.

There is a big difference between a man WALLOWING in his emotions versus simply FEELING them.

COLLAPSE — THE “WUSSY” WAY

Wallowing, also known as “Collapsing” into our emotions, is the equivalent of emotionally curling up in a fetal position, indulging and self-pity, and LOSING OURSELVES in our emotional experience. If a man was wallowing, he would be saying, “Oh, this sucks so bad! I’ll never find a girl like her again! Oh, if only we could be together again, if only it worked out, I wish we were together right now, I’m SOO lonely…”

This is a great way to annoy the hell out of his friends, turn off women, and win awards for “wussiness.”

POSTURING – LESS WUSSY, BUT STILL WUSSY

Lots of guys recognize the weakness in wallowing and avoid it, for good reason. The only problem is, they tend to go OVERBOARD in the other direction by POSTURING.

Posturing involves suppressing, blocking off and diverting attention from uncomfortable emotions. We cut off from sadness or anger, act unaffected, and distract ourselves by moving on as soon as possible.

If a man were Posturing, he would be saying, “Ok, well, it’s her loss things didn’t work out. It wasn’t all that great anyway. NEXT! The bright side now is I am free to hook it up with whoever I want again. Let’s go out this weekend and run some GAME, yo!”

It’s a shallow way to play.

Neither of these seem to be particularly inspiring options, and it really begs the question, “How do we as badass, powerful men conduct ourselves with INTEGRITY during painful times of our life?”

THE NON-WUSSY MIDDLE PATH OF WALKING THE RAZOR’S EDGE

The most powerful way I’ve found to deal with emotions is to ALLOW THEM to move through me, without resisting or diverting them.

This isn’t easy, however. (That’s why I refer to it as walking the razor’s edge.)

A man’s ego will desperately attempt to distract him from the grieving process. So should he GIVE IN to this voice? NO! He should NOTICE it – this is his cue to GET PRESENT, and observe what is arising, without feeding it energy. He should bring attention to the sensations in his body, watch them, without trying to fix or change the experience.

And as he EMBRACES his experience, (yes, the one his ego wants to avoid at all costs) it inevitably changes, relaxing open from suffering, loneliness and a feeling of deprivation into an experience of deep peace, richness and ACCEPTANCE.

Then, of course, the voice in his mind (his ego) will hook him again, and he’ll go back to feeling closed, lonely and deprived. Once again, it’s time to bring awareness back to the NOW, back to the sensations in his body and the peace that comes with it. And back and forth he will go, moving between the thoughts in his head and the sensations in his body.

What’s encouraging is that as his Presence deepens, he finds he’s able to slowly but surely spend more and more time in his body instead of up in his head. And the more he does, the faster he heals and the clearer, deeper, and stronger he becomes.

Bringing Awareness like this is a MUCH more powerful way to deal with intense emotional experiences than wallowing in the experience, or Posturing. Why?

“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.”
- Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

Joy and sorrow are 2 sides of the same coin. And if a man can accept that there’s a process our emotional body goes through, these experiences can make us STRONGER and DEEPER, with more confidence and self-acceptance as a man

Of course the other option is to buy into the “real men feel only happiness” wisdom of beer commercials, tough it out and develop an outer shell of impermeability about as warm as cuddling up to a bank vault door.

To those guys, I say, “I feel sorry for you.”

Anyway, these guys who want to break it off with you before you do have maturity and confidence issues. Just like the man in #2, it’s best to acknowledge what you’re dealing with and go from there. You can’t fix his problems, but if you care enough about him you can do things to give him the occasional ego boost.

In the end though, he’s probably right – you’re out of his league and he doesn’t deserve you.

Are you about to be dumped?
Look for these signs…

He makes himself less available consistently
He’s reluctant to make plans or commit to anything, even if it’s in the near future
He’s meaner than usual. Passive-aggressive guys with confidence issues turn into whiners so that you break up with them instead
He’s distant – he doesn’t want to feel connected to you – or he’s feeling connected with someone else. He might even be contemplating what life would be like without you, making sure of his thoughts before he makes any hasty decision

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