Ready?

Here it is:

You know those guys who are good with women, guys who are happy with the women in their lives, and guys who can get a new girl with no more effort than some people put into ordering lunch…?

You know those guys? Well…

They don’t “know” more than you.

They don’t necessarily DO more than you, either.

No. The one key to their success lies in the WAY they do things.

The thing you’re missing is in your BODY, not your brain!

It’s how you move, it’s how you stand, it’s how you look at her. Women can know your mind only when you speak… but they can feel your BODY from 20 feet away. And that feeling tells them a LOT really FAST. Women trust this kind of information more than anything you could possibly say.

Think about it. Have you ever heard a woman say something like “I don’t know, I guess he seemed kinda nice, but… there was just something creepy about him.” Or, “Oh my god, I met this amazing guy today… we were just looking at each other and didn’t even know what to say and it was this incredible experience!”

Yes! THAT’S the difference. Believe it. This is POWERFUL stuff.

Today is your chance to learn how to train your body… or I should actually say “RE-train” it. Because right now you’re probably held down by old, BAD PROGRAMMING that smears your chances with most women before you even have a chance to say “hello.”

(And by the way, it’s NOT your fault, either. Not everybody can grow up with an alpha-male father who showed you how to kick ass on the playground. I certainly didn’t. Some of us have to learn this the hard way, but that’s the good news. It CAN be learned! You can change everything and have success!)

Once you learn what physical confidence is and how to develop it, you’ll find the girls around you reacting differently… VERY DIFFERENTLY… simply by you existing in the same room with them.

See, most women are sizing you up from the second they notice your presence. And by the time you open your mouth, before you even say a single word… they’ve got you “figured out.”

Now you can whine and complain about how much that sucks and how unfair it is (as I used to) or you can reframe it and instead realize that “wait a second… if my initial success is mostly determined in the first 10 seconds… then how much would things change if I only PERFECTED my first impression?”

Yes, it really can be THAT easy…

…because sometimes the ONLY difference between a “confident” stance in the room that attracts women and a wussy one that repels them is JUST A FEW FEET, SOMETIMES ONLY A FEW INCHES.

At first your success will seem weird, almost magical, voodoo-like. Whatever. Just accept it and keep practicing until your old habits are wiped away, and replaced with the newer, more attractive ones I’m going to tell you. When you get to the point where you don’t even THINK about it anymore… congratulations, you’ve arrived.

Ok, so I’m sure you’ve heard tons of women say how important “confidence” is. But have you ever thought about what that really MEANS? Sure, it sounds cool, but what does it actually translate into you DOING?

Well, here’s the raw meat:

6 Body Language Mistakes Guys Make All The Time, And How To Fix Them

Mistake #1. Bad stance, bad walk

This includes body rocking, figiting, playing with random shit in your pockets, and appearing “closed off” to the world instead of “opened up” and friendly.

Let’s talk about that last one first: A lot of guys think it’s cool to “look cool” like you don’t give a shit about anything… but in reality, this only makes them LESS attractive for women to approach. It’s far better (and easier) to look open and friendly, than it does to be cool and reserved.

Also, too many of us look caved in like we’re eternally wallowing in our own self pity. Obviously, this is incredibly unattractive. But you’re communicating it every time you rock back and forth on your feet while you’re talking, every time you look down away from someone who’s talking to you, every time you jangle those keys in your pocket, or even sticking your hands in your pockets at all.

If what I just said sounds like you, go see the unflinching Clint Eastwood in movies like The Good, The Bad, The Ugly, A Fistfull of Dollars, or A Few Dollars More. Other good guys to watch are Paul Newman and Steve McQueen. If you can occupy space like how these guys do, your awkwardness will die forever.

In the meantime, here’s what you can do:

The fix: As for your general stance when you’re “just standing there” – if you’re ever in a bind and don’t know what to do, just stand there like you’re admiring an awesome piece of art on the wall.  Hands at your side, NOT in your pockets. Always remember: UP and OUT, with regards to your spine and chest. You should stand straight UP, with your chest OUT. (But DON’T expose your neck.) Feet flat on the floor, weight spread an even 50-50. Rock solid. When you’re first getting used to it, this might feel a little silly – BUT HEED MY WORDS: that’s what I used to think until I started doing it. The very first day I was practicing, I did it at the Cheesecake Factory while waiting for my table. Within 30 seconds, out of the corner of my eye, I saw this incredibly cute girl; looked just like Lisa Loeb, glasses and all. She approached me cold and we just started talking. Amazing. Ever since then it’s worked every day for me. DO IT.

Walking is similar, except you’re confidently gliding across the floor instead of standing around. The key here is to never hesitate; always know where you’re going and step confidently to get there. Don’t linger mid-step. Don’t crane your neck. That’s how clumsiness happens. If you need to look around and assess the situation, stop, then do what you need to do. Try to look more with your eyes and less with your head. It’s not attractive to go around flailing everywhere.

Now as for sitting, what you should do is sit asymmetrically (uneven), taking up as much space as you can and still be comfortable. Back mostly straight. Legs apart, feet flat on the floor. Don’t use your hands to rest your head UNLESS you’re bored. OWN your space. Consume it. You will get respect. Remember the quote: “Where ever I am is the place to be.” Why? Because you’re awesome. If you choose to be somewhere out of all your other options, then it MUST be “The Place To Be.”

A small note on crossing your legs: In general, it’s a risky move. If you put your ankle on your knee you show everyone an unflattering look at your dirty soles and violate the body language rule of blocking yourself off from people. Cross your legs at the knee and you look feminine like a woman. I think it’s obvious why you wouldn’t want that. So in general, don’t do it UNLESS you’re wanting to either “reward” a particular woman for “good behavior” (meaning, she did something you liked) or “punish” a particular woman for “bad behavior” (meaning, she didn’t comply with something you wanted.) If you’re going to do this, you do it with the ankle-to-knee method – cross your legs AWAY from her (shut her out from your body) whenever you want to convey disinterest in her and cross them TOWARD her (open her up to your body) to display interest and affection.

Mistake #2. Holding a “crutch”

Have you seen those guys walking around at parties with drinks in their hands, held up to their chest? Have you ever BEEN one of those guys? If so, knock it off! This one small act is killing your chances for women who would like to approach you and say something. Yes, it’s weird and yes its irrational, but it’s just how we human beings are wired; if someone is blocking their chest, or any vital organs at all (like the heart, lungs, groin, etc) then they are instantly 1000 times less likely to be approached than guys who are open and free. Also, it’s often these SAME GUYS who will take a swig of their drink or a drag on their cigarette the first split-second of discomfort they feel, which is SOON and OFTEN. This silently broadcasts to the room (especially women) “hey guys, look at me, I’m insecure!” It’s a major turnoff and if you’re paying attention, you can actually SEE the exact moment you lose the person you’re talking to or deflect the approach you would’ve gotten.

The fix: The easiest is to NOT carry a drink or cigarette or whatever AT ALL… but since you’re gonna have to eventually program your mind to not use some object as a protective crutch at social gatherings, here’s what I suggest: If you must carry such a thing around with you, for christsakes keep it DOWN and AT YOUR SIDE. Even if it’s a glass of wine, just scoop the bottom of the glass with your palm and hold it low and to the left. As low as you can. Then whenever you bring it up for a sip, maintain eye contact with the person you’re talking to until the very last moment (or even better, maintain eye contact if you can.) Then bring it back down and outta the way.

Mistake #3. Not “locking in”

This one is MAJOR. Understand this and get it right, and you’ll have crazy success. Basically “locking in” encompasses 2 concepts:

1. Never being alone when you’re “just standing around” and…
2. Never being on the “outside” of a conversation

Here’s what I mean:

Let’s say you’re in a room with a lot of people and notice a guy talking to some girls over at the bar. The girls are up against the bar, and he’s on the outside facing in at them. (Or instead of a bar, this could just as easily take place up against a wall, or among some chairs, couches, whatever.) Either way, the man in this situation is in a BAD position of lower social value than the people he’s talking to. Think about it. Notice how he looks to both the girls and everyone else in the room. Obviously he’s an outsider, a guy who doesn’t belong with those girls. Why? He’s on the outside, they’re on the inside. He obviously approached them and is now trying to get something from them. He’s not “locked in.”

This is important: It may seem like a little thing, but INCREDIBLE events will happen to you if you start locking yourself in as soon as possible into every social environment you enter. Often times this not only means moving yourself INTO a lock-in position (up against the wall or bar, seated among the friends at the table, etc) but also moving the girl you’re talking to into the outside place you once stood.

Hmmm… NOW what does it look like? Looks like SHE’S the one hitting on YOU!

It looks different to everyone in the room and it FEELS different for her. And believe me, it WILL make a difference in how the girls interact with you and how easy it will be for you to interact with others in the room later on.

Locking in can also be used with your own friends, or when you’re completely alone in a new environment. Leaning up against a wall or something using the right stance is far better than pacing around the room, like you’re nervously waiting for something to happen. You need to always look like you have a definite PURPOSE as to why you’re there and be SURE about who you are and why you’re right there instead of someplace else. This feeling will radiate to everyone else in the room, and if you combine it with appearing friendly and open (like I talked about above in #1), you make it easy for women to approach you.

One time I was waiting outside a courtroom for jury duty, propped up against one of the big marble pillars there like I owned the place. Up from the middle of the room came this absolutely beautiful girl who walked over about 20 feet and then stopped about 4 feet from me, just lingering there, messing around with her bag and playing with her hair, obviously HOPING I’d notice her and talk to her.

Another time I was at a wine party. “Let’s try this lock-in stuff,” I said to myself. So I sat down with my legs crossed (closed off toward the wall, but open toward the crowd of people), leaned back, and spread out like I owned the joint. Not 3 sips of wine later did I have this gorgeous black woman introducing herself to me, asking to sit down, complimenting me on my fake Adidas shoes (she thought they were real, I didn’t argue), and simply would NOT let me leave until she forced her phone number and e-mail address on me.

This kind of stuff happens all the time. I don’t do anything fancy. I just get “locked in” and posture my body differently than how I used to.

Mistake #4. Not being “present”

Women have special radar built in to detect whenever a guy isn’t really “there” with them. Right now. In the moment. The lights are on but nobody’s home. They can tell with stunning accuracy the second you leave your body and enter your mind.

The difference is like night and day.

This is often the thing that kills attraction before it even has time to grow. If you approach a woman while stuck in your head and not feeling “present” in your body, not sensing her in her body, and not aware of the environment around you – you’re toast.

Presence is a difficult one for a lot of guys to master, especially in today’s world of virtual interactions and gadgetry that have all but taken the place of normal physical activity. A lot of us grew up with computers, cell phones, and the internet and the price we paid for convenience is forgetting what it’s like to FEEL – to become fully AWARE of what is happening right now.

Here’s a funny video I recently uploaded to YouTube that will help you understand “presence” a little more. It’s a comedy sketch about a guy who loses his edge at work, so his boss sends him on a retreat to reconnect with his “inner self.” It’s funny, but a good reminder of how important it is to get out of your head and into your body.

The fix:

Anyway, to help with this, here is what you do:

Step 1 is to become aware of YOURSELF. Start by noticing your breathing in and out. You should start to calm down. Become aware of how the air feels, how your hands feel as you touch your chair, and how your feet feel as they touch the floor. Notice the texture of things. Feel it. Loosen up your shoulders by moving them around in a circle, maybe massage them a little. If you have to, jump around some, exercise – hell, even slapping yourself across the face or hitting your chest a few times will knock some sense into you. Whatever you do, FEEL it.

Step 2 is becoming aware of the person you’re with. Stop trying to think of “what you’ll say next” and just exist right there in the moment with her. The words will come to you. Lock eyes. Notice her facial expressions and what she does with her body.

Step 3 is being aware of your environment. Is someone about to bump into you? Her? Are the drinks coming soon? What’s going on?

The weird thing about presence is when you’re “trying” to be present, you’re not really present. But when you LET GO of yourself and forget about whether you’re present or not or what you’re “supposed” to be doing, you’re probably doing very well.

By the way, a good mindset to have at parties and clubs is that you’re the club owner and you’re just going around to everyone in the room and making sure they’re all having the best time possible. This gets you present and in front of a lot of people in a short period of time.

This whole thing will take some practice, especially if you’ve never taken martial arts, fencing, yoga, or something like that. Those things help you feel your body and own your space. It’s well worth the payoff. Your life will never be the same.

Mistake #5. Pecking

Has anyone ever come up to you in a noisy bar or club, and when they said something to you, you leaned in a few inches to “hear” them better?

Well, stop it.

This is called “pecking” because every time you lean in to “hear” you’re pecking at the person like an old hen. And think about it; does moving in a few measly inches REALLY make it easier to hear what they’re saying?

No. Of course not.

But somehow we’ve been trained to peck, and it’s hurting your social value big time. Why? Because it subconsciously communicates to other people that you “need” something from them. And in evolutionary terms, the needy guy does not get the best food, and certainly doesn’t get the best women.

The fix: Instead of pecking, you need to train yourself to just STAY STILL whenever someone speaks to you. Maintain that confident look and space-consuming posture. Don’t worry, you’ll hear them just fine. Even if you don’t just say “What?” and they’ll peck at you. The moment you start leaning into a woman, especially a group of women, you’re silently telling them you need them and their attention. Instead, you want them to be needing you and your attention.

Mistake #6. Following

This is a lot like pecking, except you do it with your whole body.

You should always be the leader, not the follower. If a group of women pass by while you’re locked in against the wall, just say what you’re going to say, only LOUDER. Don’t follow them so they can hear you. The second you take one step toward them, you’ve lost them forever. However, if you simply TALK LOUDER, even as they move away from you, they should turn around and come back eventually.

This also holds true for stores. If you’re with your girl in a store, she should be following your lead most of the time. If she wants to go off on her own for a bit and look at something, great. Let her. Meanwhile, you know why you’re there and you have things you want to look at too. Don’t worry, she’ll soon realize you’re not there. This will make her feel uncomfortable and she’ll come back to you pronto.

I can remember the very first date I ever went on. First time in public with a girl ever. At one point we were in the mall and I did the complete opposite of what I’m telling you here. Followed her around the whole place like a little lost puppy. Very unattractive behavior, and a little embarrassing for me to admit here on my blog.

If this sounds like you, it’s time to change. From now on, be the leader, not the follower. Sometimes this means going to a place several times before you finally go there with her, so you’ll know where everything is. Knowing the place inside out is a great way to naturally become “the leader.”

That’s enough to get you started for now. Once you have some success with this stuff, you’ll quickly see how important it all really is. What was really a breakthrough for me was realizing that the spoken part of my conversations with women was really just an EXCUSE to display our UNspoken attraction cues to each other.

Woah. Think about that for a minute.

In the beginning, however many millions of years ago, all we had as a species was body language. It’s how we knew to trust each other, fight each other, or whatever. A lot of it is still with us today. And if you take the time to master it, you can have some incredible successes at work, with friends, and of course, attracting women.

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And what did you do?

That’s easy. You did what you do every time: nothing.

Not a damn thing.

She paid for her coffee and walked out. And you’ll never see her again.

It’s happened to all of us. But you shouldn’t feel bad about it. No, you should feel terrible. Awful. Horrible. Downright pissed this is the reality you’re living in.

Why?

Because getting angry at a sucky reality the first step to stopping this pattern and changing your life forever. In fact, getting all riled up is the #1 hidden driver of a lot of those “rags to riches” success stories you hear all the time.

Listen: Life is short. Youth is even shorter. And you better forget about some mystical being or unseen hand of fate guiding you to your perfect soul mate because it ain’t happenin’. Even if it did, is she really the best girl just because she was so easy to meet? I mean, if you ran a company would you hire the first person to breeze through the door and talk up a good game?

What I’m going to tell you will be the first step – the crucial first key – to a life a thousand times happier, with no pressure, comfortable in almost any situation.

Nah, this is even bigger than that.

I’m talking about feeling settled with yourself the way a bar of gold is solid. I’m talking about the ability to command a room, your problems meeting women half-solving themselves before you even consider them. I’m talking about nothing less than a life free of limitations that’ve held you hostage, hog-tied your thinking for all these years, forcing you to settle for everything less than what you REALLY want.

And this transformation all begins as quickly, as easily, as a few little tricks…

…because, for most guys… the problem’s all in your head.

This is important: Your “frame” in life – your mental concept of who you are and how the world works – your assumptions – your idea of what’s “normal” in your life versus what’s uncommon or “weird” – is the basis for EVERYTHING you will ever do, feel, or experience.

Your frame determines how easily you move through life, how much money you draw in, and yes… especially what kind of women you attract, and how many.

Guys who are successful in business & with money, and guys who attract the best women strain and stress themselves out over their success no more than you do when ordering lunch. Now that DOESN’T mean they didn’t work hard to get where they are. That’s not what I mean. Performing the actions to make something happen and struggling with weird shit in your mind are two completely different things. What I mean is these guys are CONFIDENT in their success; ASSUME that it will happen (the possibility of it not happening doesn’t even enter the mind) and are rather surprised when gates of opportunity DON’T seem to automatically open for them.

Nothing is ever “weird” as in “Wow, this is so weird, I can’t believe this hot girl is so into me!” …Instead, the successful man thinks, “Of course she’s into me. This happens all the time. I’m a real catch. Of course she’s laughing. I’m fun to be around. I think I like her too, but I want to wait awhile and see for sure.”

Successful men in a particular area of life often have a strong frame in that area.

Unsuccessful men have weak frames.

It’s possible to have a strong frame when it comes to business, but instantly turn pansy when it comes to women. That’s OK – but you first need to realize it and acknowledge it.

They key to changing this is first realizing what a strong frame sounds like, then think about all the areas of your life where this is NOT the case, but you would like to change.

7 Examples of What It Means To Have A Strong Frame

#1. I’ve already given you this one above, with the thinking of “Of course she’s into me. This happens all the time. I’m a real catch. Of course she’s laughing. I’m fun to be around. I think I like her too, but I want to wait awhile and see for sure.”

This frame assumes you are a man of confidence who doesn’t jump the gun. Just because she’s good looking doesn’t automatically score her a ton of points with you. You’re a man who bides his time, waiting to discover her true value, if any. You don’t know yet. Beauty is common to you; it’s in your life everywhere you go. What’s rare is a woman with a passion for life that compliments your desires and beliefs. And when you do discover these traits in a woman, you let her know it because you are a man of integrity; you’re the same man on the outside as you are on the inside.

#2. One time I was at the post office, and took special notice of one of the employees. This guy was impeccably groomed and as stylishly dressed as a man can be in a U.S.P.S. uniform. He wore latex surgical gloves while handling the mail and serving the customers. He was uncommonly polite but in a firm, forceful way… like when he spoke, there was no doubt in his mind, no backtracking, no apologies as to what was coming out. He stood there, physically, on the most solid ground and looked you right in the eye.

And then, across the room, a fellow postal employee reached his hand into a bag and pulled out some kind of snack. Tasting it, he exclaimed, “Wow, these things you gave me are really good!”

The gentleman’s replied without even looking at him, “I don’t eat anything that’s not.”

Don’t you see?

His mindset: “Of course they’re good. I don’t eat anything that isn’t good. If I give you something to try, it’s going to be good. Why? Because it’s coming from me. The notion that this is somehow strange to you, a foreign concept, is barely worth my time.”

That’s a strong frame.

#3. Some people say things like “Life is unfair.” They whine and complain, accepting their lot in life because of this perceived unfairness. I mean, why even try? Life is unfair and will just beat you back down anyways.

This is a weak frame. Here’s how to spin it into a strong frame:

“Yes, life is unfair… but you know what? That’s the best news I’ve heard all day. Because if life was fair, I’d never be able to have this awesome house I want, a totally hot girlfriend, and extra cash to blow. If life was ‘fair’, we’d all be down at the bread and soup lines for 2 hours every day for handouts. If life was ‘fair’, the lazy could have all the stuff I had to work my butt off for, and there would be no incentive. Life is unfair, and I couldn’t be happier.”

#4. Recently I was at a gas station paying for my gas when I overheard a well-dressed black man (many of whom have very strong frames and are good to be friends with, by the way) say to this lady, “I don’t have a girlfriend. I have a woman.”

Because in his mind, there’s a difference. And he knows it when he sees it. He’s sure of himself and his decisions. Girls are a waste of time. But a real woman is really something.

#5. In clubs or any sizable social gathering, there’s a good line to use that demonstrates strong frame and value. And it’s this: When you’re talking to a girl you like and want to eliminate all her other options from her mind, simply say “C’mon, I’ll introduce you to any guy in here, and I promise you he’ll not be nearly as interesting as me and my friends right here.”

She’ll most likely decline, and at that point you have her undivided attention.

And if she doesn’t? Well, aren’t you really the most interesting?

Strong frame.

#6. Having a big complex story to tell your buddies about how you got this one awesome girl is weak frame material. Because if you truly had a strong frame, your success would be assumed. In fact, you’re not even really sure HOW you did it. The guys ask, “How did you get her?” You’re just like “Well, I don’t know, I just kinda went over there and…???” In other words, if this really was YOUR reality and this sort of thing happened all the time, there would be no story to tell.

#7. The general idea of strong frames is “This is MY reality. You are a guest. I am in control. Things don’t happen TO me, I MAKE things happen. I am a CAUSE in the world, not an effect. Success just happens. It’s easy.”

Weak frames are rooted in your own beliefs about yourself…

For example, some guys think they’ve got to sacrifice everything to get the best women. The most shocking and surprising thing is – what creates loyalty and respect is actually the exact opposite of sacrificing.

Quality women look first to see if they can make their man stronger – amazing women are loyal to men whose lives they contribute to, to men who they can make stronger, and to men who share their strength with them without any appearance of effort or sacrifice at all.

Quality women want a guy they can make a lot better, especially if she’s going to stick with him for the long run. Great women want a man who is stronger through being with her, not weaker. They certainly don’t want a man who sacrifices everything, does things he doesn’t like to do, and gives everything he has to her even at his own expense. It just doesn’t make sense to them.

The more you allow your woman to contribute to improving your life, the more loyal she will become and the more she will like and respect you.

That “allow” part is key. Quality women love to do great things to make their man stronger and contribute to his life. Great women want to do these amazing things for you so that you can grow with her. Most men can’t accept this and simply reject or refuse contribution – huge mistake.

It’s important to start by simply allowing her to do great things for you. Try and notice in just a week, how many times your girl will offer to help make your life better. Every time you refuse her offers, you in fact reject her. It hurts her badly, and slowly with time, she might give up trying to make you stronger altogether. Relationships, and people in general cannot grow like this. It’s a shame.

So why the hell do guys do this?

Well, let’s go back to another little story.

Here, imagine yourself in this situation:

You’re at a crosswalk in the city, waiting for the light to turn green. A beautiful woman approaches, joining beside you. As the two of you wait to cross the street, you feel that familiar anxiety welling up inside.

You want to talk to this woman. You want to say something, anything that’ll make her smile, feel comfortable, and notice you for who you really are. You want to attract her.

Instead, you nervously look straight ahead. Moments pass. The light changes. She walks. You blew your one and only chance.

Why didn’t you say anything?

Now imagine the exact same crosswalk scenario again. You. The Woman. The Light.

Waiting.

Out of the corner of your eye, you see a car, a maniac out of control, careening toward the beautiful creature standing beside you. It’s all happening so fast. You’re the only one who notices.

Ask yourself: Would you shove the beautiful woman out of the way to save her life, or would you just stand there, and do nothing???

Most men, even the weakest frames among us, would save the girl if they could.

Now ask yourself: Why would you shy away from uttering so much as a word in scenario #1… but you would interrupt her life without a second thought, knocking her to the ground to save her from a madman?

…because in saving her, your mind understands how you’re adding value to her life, so you do it without hesitation… but when you simply want to talk to her, you freeze and lock up, because you don’t feel like her life will be better afterward as a result. You feel you have no value to add. You have serious doubts crippling you from success before you even try. She is the prize, and who are you? Just some schlub.

See, the problem is – you don’t feel like you’re valuable enough to enhance her life. You don’t feel like you “deserve” this woman.

A lot of men feel they’re not good enough, so they compensate by showing her they’ll sacrifice everything. They won’t allow her to contribute – instead, they establish the frame of “the guy has to do everything, pay for everything, work hard… sacrifice.”

Great men (men with strong frames) know they deserve a lot of great things from the world, especially from their partner, so they come to expect a lot out of the people around them.

A great man expects his woman to contribute to his life. In return, he becomes even stronger for her, and helps her grow stronger alongside him. Two people growing together, enhancing one another’s lives. What could be more wonderful?

Most high quality women realize the best men will expect a lot from them, whereas guys who don’t feel worthy will sacrifice their livelihood, voluntarily castrating themselves from their true desires.

This partially explains why a lot of really beautiful, intelligent women cut and run when a guy starts sacrificing too much.

Remember: Great women want to contribute to a quality man’s life, not have a guy who becomes a martyr, carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders trying to impress her. When you get her contributing to your life and doing great things to make YOU better, and you share your strength with her, making HER better – that’s what creates real loyalty.

By simply allowing your woman to do her thing and help you grow day by day, you are on the right track. By demanding the best out of her and the people around you, you will start to realize your true potential as a high quality man.

Those mental “tricks” I mentioned at the beginning are real, but this is only the beginning of a long journey. In the near future I’ll show you some ways to begin to DEVELOP a strong frame like the ones I’ve been talking about here.

Until then, hopefully this opened up your mind and got you thinking about your life. If you don’t like what you see, now’s the time to do something about it.

If not now, when? And if not you, who?

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Then – out of nowhere – he calls it quits.

What went wrong?

Since I’ve had some experience with this and since, obviously, I am a guy myself – here’s my take on the most common reasons this could happen toyou and how I believe they can be helped.

REASON #1

First of all, you need to get the idea out of your mind that “something went wrong.” This is because of the fundamental difference in how men and women think about commitment.

Women tend to get serious when they find the right man. But men… men tend to get serious with whomever they happen to be seeing when they’re finally ready to “settle down.”

It’s like a switch that goes off in their mind.

Some guys only feel comfortable with “settling down” after certain aspects of their life are in order. That could mean finishing school, reaching some important milestone in their business, owning a certain possession (like that car they always wanted or some awesome place to live), or when lots of their friends begin to get married – thus leaving them the “lone single guy” to fend for himself.

In other words, when there’s no one left to swap girl adventure stories with, when the fancy place and lots of money is secure, and when there are no more mountains left to climb… that is when a lot of guys feel “ready” for marriage or some other kind of long-term commitment.

The problem I see with these types of guys is their whole concept of “settling down” makes assumptions that don’t have to be true. They are reluctant to be with a woman long term because they’re “not done yet” with all the things they want to accomplish or don’t yet have the things they think will secure his life with this “final woman.” This is making the assumption that once they’re with this girl, they’ll never be able to do anything they really wanna do, ever again – like the girl will hold them back from their true desires. Part of it also makes the assumption things have to be “perfect” in some way to finally be “ready.”

Well, I can tell you… this concept of “settling down” comes from the mental programming of society, the movies, and TV. It is society’s reality, but it doesn’t have to be the man’s reality. If a man’s true desires would be thwarted by a particular woman, then she is certainly NOT the woman for him… and he should look elsewhere. And if he’s concerned about possessions, he probably doesn’t realize what most women really want is a man with ambition, a man who’s GOING somewhere and is SURE about his destination, and CONFIDENT about getting there… rather than the man who already has everything and is satisfied.

If you sense this thought might be floating around in YOUR guy’s mind, you need help him feel the freedom he desires and let him know it’s OK he’s not John Rockefeller yet – you’ll get there together, and help each other out. Contrary to what he believes, it’s far better to meet a woman while he’s climbing the ladder than to deal with all the gold-diggers later. The journey really is more fun than the destination – better he takes it with you, someone who knows him well. And besides, it truly is lonely at the top… and if that’s where he’s going, he’s gonna need all the company he can get.

In life, there’s seldom such a thing as being “ready.” Some of the best things that have happened to me in my life, I was never ready for. I wanted something, an opportunity came along, and ready or not, I reached out and seized it! That’s how it happens. If you wait for some big buildup of resources and experience before taking an action, you’ll be saving up for a rainy day that never comes.

REASON #2

Sometimes when a guy’s with a woman – even if he loves her – there’s still the tendency to think silently to himself, “Is this really as good as it gets?” or something like “I’ve done this well… Can I do better?”

Thinking like this leads him to instantly imagine what it would be like to be with any new attractive woman he meets – even if you’re standing right there beside him. No matter how great you are, this kind of man is wondering if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.

He doesn’t want to feel like he’s “missing out.”

In addition to opportunistic tendencies, some guys feel compelled to put as many relationships under their belt as possible until they feel like they’ve experienced “enough” women – whatever that ends up being. Every guy’s definition of “enough” is different, so there could be a chance you’re not late enough on his list of differences he wants to experience.

In this kind of situation, the man wants one of two things:

1. He wants to experience enough women so he can feel confident about what he wants and does not want so he doesn’t make a mistake when finally committing to one woman.

or…

2. He wants to be able to say to himself and brag to other guys about the number of women he’s been with. He wants an ego boost and to validate himself, both in his own mind and in the minds of others. He wants to “have his fun first” before settling down (there’s that stupid phrase again.)

There’s not much you can do about the man in #1. This especially happens with younger guys, 18 to 24 or so. In my view, it’s a natural part of growing up and becoming a mature man who is sure of himself and what he wants out of life. Any guy forced to make a serious commitment decision before this time is going to have confidence problems and internal emotional issues that will plague him for the duration of your relationship. A lot of marriages happen too soon and quickly fall apart for this very reason.

The guy in #1 is OK in my book… he’s just still figuring things out. (unless, of course, he’s unusually old… then he has no excuse and is more likely a #2.)

It’s the man in #2 that has the real problems. Overcoming this kind of man’s objections is VERY difficult, mainly because the real issue here lies in his own maturity and desires that create conflicts of interest. Personally, I don’t think you should even TRY to overcome them with this guy; better to leave him before he ends up hurting you. Or, simply enjoy his company in a casual way, knowing full well what you’re involved with and prepare yourself for the consequences. This is a man who is not likely to mature for a very long time (or ever) because his struggles with validation run deeper than merely the two of you and other women. Possibly childhood stuff, or experiences in high school. As soon as this kind of guy gets the chance, he’s going to cheat on you and as soon as someone new comes along, he will leave you completely.

It’s not because he wants to hurt you or doesn’t love you… it’s just because he bases a lot of his self-worth on numbers of conquests. He feels worthless unless that number is ever increasing. Sometimes this comes from the perception that “everyone else is having more fun” than he is, or that “everyone else is more experienced” than he is or that by sleeping with someone new, he is somehow “making up for lost ground” that occurred at some point in his past. He’s spent years burning these ideas into his mind, they’ve damaged his thinking, and they’re not going away easily.

It’s not your job to solve this type of man’s problems. Go find someone else. There are better men out there.

REASON #3

There’s the time you chastise him for leaving a wet towel on the bed, to those nights you rip through an entire pint of Triple Fudge Ripple without stopping to breathe – these are the incidents men quietly file under a little mental folder labeled “Evidence She’ll Change For The Worse.”

And when something happens – when something big happens – he’ll flip through that mental file and use it against you to tip the scales in favor of a decision that would be harder to make otherwise.

Even if he’s crazy about you now, deep down lies two secret fears.

A fear that your cute little reminders will evolve into big, ugly, incessant nags.

And a fear that your occasional “comfort food” binge will lead to packing on the pounds and therefore no longer the sexy, exciting, energetic woman he came to know and love.

(And don’t you dare think for a minute that second one there is “shallow” or some other such thing. Excessive weight gain from too much bad food causes severe changes in personality, health, and mood. It isn’t just your figure he’s worried about, but your overall vibe permanently taking a plunge.)

So guys flag certain behaviors of yours as potential harbingers of bad things to come.

Guys also hear a lot from friends, movies, and society about how romance takes a total nosedive after they get serious with a girl.

This is another one of those things that may be the reality of other people, but does not have to be YOUR reality. Your reality is what you make it. I firmly believe that. I live by it every day.

Sure, things change. The very definition of life IS change. But commitment in a relationship should not be seen as some kind of “end game” where all bets are off and we can finally “relax”, let ourselves go, and begin a downward slide into oblivion.

We’re all going to change in life. The goal is just to make sure it’s good change – always for the better. Always improving.

REASON #4

A friend once told me, “I stayed with one woman for two years because we had fun together. She never pushed the issue, but I knew the minute I met her that she wasn’t The One.”

Ouch.

It’s entirely possible for a guy to love being with you, but not love you… at least not enough to commit all the way. There’s no guarantee what a guy feels will evolve into that kind of love.

So why would a guy invest so much in a relationship he knows will ultimately end?

This one comes down to a life philosophy that’s different than most. And that is the zen achieved by living in the moment and enjoying what we have NOW… being present right here, and not lost in our heads thinking about something else, or making life-altering decisions we’re not sure we can keep.

Life is about change. All relationships end. Some end in death, some before that. Life is short. There’s no reason to cut off what makes both of you happy now in favor of something else that does not yet exist.

Someone once told me, “Whether it’s 2 years or 20 years or my whole life: I’ll always be able to say it was a great 2 years, a great 20, or a great life. Any of those is better than no great time at all.”

And you know what? I think that person was right.

If this is your guy, then trying to “convince” him otherwise is missing the point entirely. Best not to fight him on it and if you don’t agree, then peacefully leave to find another guy who can love you as much as you love him.

REASON #5

This is a weird one.

Sometimes a guy can feel like he’s TOO attached to you, throwing his sense of masculine power, control, and confidence into jeopardy.

When this type of guy feels it coming on, he’ll launch a preemptive strike and break up with you first to “save himself” from the eventual pain he knows he will feel when you do it.

Crazy?

Well, not so fast. Think about how vulnerable and paranoid you feel when you’re nuts about a guy, and realize that sometimes we go through the same thing with girls we really like. Most guys’ friends aren’t as good at helping them get over an ex as yours are, and they also have this idea in their minds that being openly heartbroken makes them look like wusses. Instead, they think it’s better to act like a “winner” before you turn them into a “loser”, which is when his natural self-preservation may come into play. Before the real humiliation and pain infest him like a disease, ending the relationship seems like a good option.

This kind of guy has several problems in his head that have nothing to do with you or the situation at hand. It has to do with HIMSELF and what it means to him to be a man.

There is a big difference between a man WALLOWING in his emotions versus simply FEELING them.

COLLAPSE — THE “WUSSY” WAY

Wallowing, also known as “Collapsing” into our emotions, is the equivalent of emotionally curling up in a fetal position, indulging and self-pity, and LOSING OURSELVES in our emotional experience. If a man was wallowing, he would be saying, “Oh, this sucks so bad! I’ll never find a girl like her again! Oh, if only we could be together again, if only it worked out, I wish we were together right now, I’m SOO lonely…”

This is a great way to annoy the hell out of his friends, turn off women, and win awards for “wussiness.”

POSTURING – LESS WUSSY, BUT STILL WUSSY

Lots of guys recognize the weakness in wallowing and avoid it, for good reason. The only problem is, they tend to go OVERBOARD in the other direction by POSTURING.

Posturing involves suppressing, blocking off and diverting attention from uncomfortable emotions. We cut off from sadness or anger, act unaffected, and distract ourselves by moving on as soon as possible.

If a man were Posturing, he would be saying, “Ok, well, it’s her loss things didn’t work out. It wasn’t all that great anyway. NEXT! The bright side now is I am free to hook it up with whoever I want again. Let’s go out this weekend and run some GAME, yo!”

It’s a shallow way to play.

Neither of these seem to be particularly inspiring options, and it really begs the question, “How do we as badass, powerful men conduct ourselves with INTEGRITY during painful times of our life?”

THE NON-WUSSY MIDDLE PATH OF WALKING THE RAZOR’S EDGE

The most powerful way I’ve found to deal with emotions is to ALLOW THEM to move through me, without resisting or diverting them.

This isn’t easy, however. (That’s why I refer to it as walking the razor’s edge.)

A man’s ego will desperately attempt to distract him from the grieving process. So should he GIVE IN to this voice? NO! He should NOTICE it – this is his cue to GET PRESENT, and observe what is arising, without feeding it energy. He should bring attention to the sensations in his body, watch them, without trying to fix or change the experience.

And as he EMBRACES his experience, (yes, the one his ego wants to avoid at all costs) it inevitably changes, relaxing open from suffering, loneliness and a feeling of deprivation into an experience of deep peace, richness and ACCEPTANCE.

Then, of course, the voice in his mind (his ego) will hook him again, and he’ll go back to feeling closed, lonely and deprived. Once again, it’s time to bring awareness back to the NOW, back to the sensations in his body and the peace that comes with it. And back and forth he will go, moving between the thoughts in his head and the sensations in his body.

What’s encouraging is that as his Presence deepens, he finds he’s able to slowly but surely spend more and more time in his body instead of up in his head. And the more he does, the faster he heals and the clearer, deeper, and stronger he becomes.

Bringing Awareness like this is a MUCH more powerful way to deal with intense emotional experiences than wallowing in the experience, or Posturing. Why?

“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.”
- Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

Joy and sorrow are 2 sides of the same coin. And if a man can accept that there’s a process our emotional body goes through, these experiences can make us STRONGER and DEEPER, with more confidence and self-acceptance as a man

Of course the other option is to buy into the “real men feel only happiness” wisdom of beer commercials, tough it out and develop an outer shell of impermeability about as warm as cuddling up to a bank vault door.

To those guys, I say, “I feel sorry for you.”

Anyway, these guys who want to break it off with you before you do have maturity and confidence issues. Just like the man in #2, it’s best to acknowledge what you’re dealing with and go from there. You can’t fix his problems, but if you care enough about him you can do things to give him the occasional ego boost.

In the end though, he’s probably right – you’re out of his league and he doesn’t deserve you.

Are you about to be dumped?
Look for these signs…

• He makes himself less available consistently
• He’s reluctant to make plans or commit to anything, even if it’s in the near future
• He’s meaner than usual. Passive-aggressive guys with confidence issues turn into whiners so that you break up with them instead
• He’s distant – he doesn’t want to feel connected to you – or he’s feeling connected with someone else. He might even be contemplating what life would be like without you, making sure of his thoughts before he makes any hasty decision

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Do you think European men are more romantic than we Americans?

Maybe you should read these letters before passing any hasty judgement…

Letter #1:

I just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, and let me tell you, it truly was the most magical, amazing experience of my entire life. The French countryside was like something out of a storybook, the Roman ruins were magnificent, and the men, well, European men are by far the most romantic in the world.

You American men all think you’re so suave and sophisticated. Well, think again! European men make you look like the immature, inexperienced little children you are. They really know how to make a woman feel special over there. Unlike the so-called men here in the States, European men know how to treat a woman right.

For one thing, European men aren’t afraid to come up and talk to you. And they know how to start slow, with a nice cup of Italian espresso or a long walk on some historic street. They know the places you can’t find in any tourist guide. They know the whole history of the cities in which they live—who the fountains are named after, who the statues are.

I remember one unforgettable night in Athens, I sat and listened to a Greek sailor for hours as he told me about the countless men who fought over Helen back in ancient times. Afterward, he told me he loved his homeland even more now that he’d seen it through my eyes. I ask you, would an American man ever say something as deep and beautiful as that?

European men know the most romantic little cafés and bistros and trattorias, candlelit places where you can be alone and drink the most fantastic wine. They tell you what’s on the menu and what you should try. (If it wasn’t for a certain young man in Milan, I never would have discovered fusilli a spinaci et scampi.) And the whole time, they’re looking deep into your eyes, like you’re the only woman on the entire planet. What woman could resist a man like that? Then, after a moonlit stroll along the waterfront and a kiss in the doorway of their artist’s loft, you find yourself unable to—well, I’ll leave the rest to your imagination.

I’ll never forget my magical semester abroad. One thing’s for sure—I’m ruined for American men forever!

Letter #2:

I’m a 25-year-old carpenter living in Rome, and I don’t mind telling you that I get all the action I can handle. I’m not all that handsome or well-dressed, and I’m certainly not rich. In fact, my Italian countrywomen could take me or leave me. But that’s just fine, because Rome gets loads of tourist traffic, and American co-eds traveling through Europe are without a doubt the easiest lays in the world.

Being European gives me a hell of an advantage. I’m not sure why, but there’s something about the accent that opens a lot of doors. All you have to do is go up to them, act a little shy and say, “Whould hyou like to go with me, Signorina, for a café?” I actually have to thicken up my accent a little, but they never, ever catch on.

After a cheap coffee, which to them always tastes better than anything they’ve ever had, because they’re in Europe, it’s time to walk them. Now, all they know about Rome is what they’ve read in Let’s Go, so you can pretty much just make up a whole bunch of shit. It’s fun to see how much they’ll swallow: As long as I refer to Italy as “my homeland” and other Italians as “my people,” they’ll believe pretty much anything. I don’t know who most of the local statues are, so I tell the muffins they’re all great artists and poets and lovers. Once, just for the hell of it, I told a psychology major from the University of Maryland that a public staircase was part of the Spanish Steps, which she’d never even heard of. Another time, I told this blonde from Michigan State that the public library was the Parthenon, and she cooed like I’d just given her a diamond.

For dinner, I usually take them to some cheap little hole in the wall, someplace deserted where not even the cops eat. American girls think candlelight means “romance,” not “deteriorating public utilities,” so they just poke their nipples through their J. Crew sweaters and never notice that there’s no electricity. Just as well, because Roman restaurants aren’t exactly the cleanest. After a bunch of fast-talk about the menu, I get them the special, which is usually some anonymous pasta with spinach and day-old shrimp, and whatever cheap, generic, Pope’s-blood chianti’s at the bottom of the list.

By this time, they’re usually standing in a slippery little puddle. Going in for the kill, I walk them past one of Rome’s famous 2,000-year-old open cesspools. Then, as we open the door to my shitty efficiency, I kiss them on the eyelids so they don’t see the roaches, making sure the first thing they see is the strategically positioned artist’s easel I bought at some church sale. That’s usually all they need to see and, like clockwork, they fall backwards on my bed with their Birkenstocks in the air.

I mean, they’re hardly Italian women, but we have a saying here in Europe: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

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Personally to me, the most important point he makes is at the very end of the article, which I have taken the liberty to underline and italicize. I think it’s important both men and women understand that key statement about why guys REALLY desire this type of woman in their lives. And in understanding why, you will gain a better perspective into your OWN relationships and how to give them new life.

The Back-Burner
by Dan Kennedy

She’s smart, she’s beautiful, she laughs at all your jokes, she knows your darkest secrets… and your girlfriend has no idea she exists. She’s your back burner – your plan B. The one you keep waiting in the wings. And your life wouldn’t be the same without her.

I bet you have someone on the side. In fact, I know you do: someone who will flirt back at your mere off-the-cuff flash of wit or listen, rivited, to your stories of recent semi-daring adventure. A woman who makes you feel like you’re still, how do I put this… appealing to the opposite sex, ten years younger, dangerous, infinitely charismatic, yet also a man of restraint and very strong principles, like a sexy cross between that guy from Scrubs, Bono, and the pope. She’s your back burner – that “friend” who just happens to be female, just happens to be someone you could see yourself dating if it weren’t for the small fact that, well, you’re already in a relationship.

I have a back burner, too, and I’d be with her now if I hadn’t, eight years ago, somehow conned my beautiful, intelligent, well-traveled, funny girlfriend into committing to me. But what I’ve learned after years of being in a serious relationship is that a man needs a woman to help him not feel like an ordinary, everyday, Advil-taking, TV-watching bore. And that woman cannot be your girlfriend.

When I first met my first back burner, Tammy, she was a young actress, by which I mean she bartended and modeled leather and vinyl corsets for a small regional fetishwear catalog. She was the perfect contrast to my girlfriend at the time, a suburban, sensible 28-year-old fitness instructor convinced I had the potential to become a well-organized vegetarian with long range goals and a more optimistic outlook on life – an agenda that concerned me because it seemed to leave little time for drinking excessively and sleeping in.

Tammy always seemed to be killing time at one of my favorite downtown hangouts, waiting for me to share a story or joke. And when I did, she’d laugh hard, like she’d just heard it for the first time, because, well, she had. (Unlike my girlfriend, who was, I imagine, starting to feel like the road manager on a Catskills comedian’s never-ending tour.) Any anecdotes I shared with Tammy seemed to come out of my mouth in a casual and cavalier fashion, free of the realities, constraints, and little indignities of day-to-day living. These anecdotes were about a life that sounded so good – even to me – that they somehow let me feel like the man I’d always pictured myself to be but was pretty damn sure I wasn’t.

Allow me to illustrate. Guess which exchange I had with Tammy and which one I had with my girlfriend…

Exchange 1

Her: Hey, how are you!

Me: Great… just got back from skiing in Sun Valley for a week. Yeah… [long stretch that probably comes off as luxurious and athletic] we got lucky, just, like, seven powder days in a row… just basically ski all day, then go to awesome dinners at night with some friends from L.A. who had flown in to ski with us…

Exchange 2

Her: Are you okay?

Me: Yeah, it’s just… Goddamn, my knees are killing me from last week. It kind of freaks me out a little bit.

Her: Why didn’t you take Advil?

Me: Honey, I can’t go taking Advil every time I go skiing, as if I’m 90 years old or something. [trying to stretch back and legs] Plus, I don’t even think it’s from skiing as much as from having to carry the gear from baggage claim all the way to the rental car shuttle. Do we have a heating pad? Didn’t we buy one when I did my hamstring thing at my softball game?

Now, I was never the cologne-soaked desperado calling home at five to play the working-late card so that Tammy and I could sadly dry hump our way through a Coldplay CD. On the contrary, my back-burner relationship remained innocent. Okay, maybe innocent isn’t the right word. The truth is, no matter how much I told myself I wasn’t going to do anything wrong, there was always some seediness below the surface. A moment when, even though I was armed with the most gentlemanly intentions, I’d look at my gorgeous back burner from across the table at lunch and suddenly realize I’m thinking things like “If one thing goes even slightly wrong at home in the next six months, I’m going to see if I have a chance at getting on top of this woman and not rolling off until we’re smoking post-coital cigarettes and talking about how we took too long to finally get to this.”

I would even fantasize about pushing the envelope with a terrible conversational joke that I would probably later find every reason to feel guilty about, the one that starts with my back burner asking me about how my girlfriend was doing, and me responding with something like “She’s dead, actually. Yeah so she’s just…” [I use my hand to make a sort of "out of the picture" gesture]

But none of that ever happened, thanks to a system that kept me platonic, kept me from caving in. Whenever my mind drifted from harmless flirtation toward actual temptation, I summoned a few sobering facts: “She’s eight years older than I am, and she evidently reached that age where she can spend an entire afternoon slamming pitchers of draft beer in a tavern and showering strangers with photos of her old (i.e. dead) cat while doing her ‘happy crying’.” If those two facts failed to cool things down in my head, I simply pictured her smoking menthol 100s in an old terry-cloth robe. This was the perfect system, imagining her this way. This was how to quell any urges that might exist, I told myself.

As time passed, the system ultimately gave way to something else – the natural shelf life of the back-burner relationship. Sooner or later, the funny, daring, super version of you has to make an exit before the real, day in, day out version shows up and ruins the whole thing. Tammy and I are proof positive that you can’t maintain a back burner forever. Both of our ordinary selves showed up around the same time and ended it all. We were talking on the phone when she told me she had “rescued some malnourished kitties” that had been hanging by her place in Harlem, where she had been living with the idea that saving money on rent meant she’d be able to pull together enough cash to renew the registration tags on her car. Tammy’s yammering about her impounded second-hand sedan and calcium-deficient strays wasn’t exactly phone-sex material. But in all fairness, I wasn’t helping when I went on about how my girlfriend and I have been stressed about money, trying to save up so we can put a down payment on an apartment in the city.

You could really hear the fizzle.

Tammy led to Kathleen. After that lost its luster, I met Leanne. Back burner begat back burner. So why did I even need the attention of another woman? I mean, I know we’re genetically hardwired to think about mating with as many females of the species as possible during our all-too-brief time on earth. But the fact is, there’s only one woman I truly want to spend my remaining days with. I love my girlfriend. She makes me laugh; we can still stay up all night talking; when we travel, she wants the aisle and I want the window; at home we like watching the same movies and shows. All signs of true love, as I see it. And there’s maybe the biggest sign of all: two people slowly realizing that over the years they both made the decision to stay together, even after the opening-night dazzle had begun to fade.

The back burner is just a place to feel like you can still be the more mysterious and exciting version of yourself. If it were to ever go beyond that, well, that’s reality, and that’s a whole different ball game. I’ll always have those benign, fleeting moments of fantasy about taking it to the next level with the back burner, because its natural to want to feel like you’ve still got it and that if you were out there again, you could still get it.

…which is why I’ve got a lunch coming up with my current back burner. I’m not planning on having an affair or breaking up; I’m just saying, you know… maybe something happens to the woman in your life and you’re forced to have sex with other women. Maybe she leaves you to join the Peace Corps. Maybe she falls for the trainer from her gym who is a professional surfer in his spare time. You would obviously, basically, have to move on to sleeping with several other women totally guilt-free.

Listen, it could happen.

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Everything you are in life right now is a culmination of every experience you’ve ever had, every thought you’ve ever had, and of course every relationship you’ve ever had.

I don’t think there is any such thing as a truly “wasted” relationship.

Even the most insignificant amount of time spent with someone can create ripples or even waves of effect for you later on down the line… even if all you got out of it at the time was a little fun with someone hot.

Ticia taught me a lot about how to woo the “unattainable” girl…

Allison gave me fond memories of spending two summers together, one of which involved lots of me sneaking over to keep her company at whatever house she was babysitting for that day.

And I had this very interesting time with Tina, one evening when she left college in her little Geo to pick me up where she sped us over to her empty parents house at about 85 mph to “keep her company while she did her laundry.”

With Becky, there were fun times, very memorable moments in time… and it was she who first introduced me to the pleasant intracacies of St. Louis.

But sometimes, what you might carry away is more than just a set of fond memories and lessons learned…

Courtney was, and likely still is, an infomercial junkie. It was cute how she used to get all worked up over a Ron Popiel pitch for kitchenware or some kind of oven. And it was there on infomercial TV where she learned about the Oreck Air Purifier.

Wanting to keep the dust levels in my place as low as possible (since I was not particularly fond of dusting every few days), I had been using an Ionic Breeze for about a year.

Well, as soon as Courtney found out about this amazing Oreck machine, she nagged (read: cutely begged) at me until I finally sold my Breeze and got one.

I was impressed. It really was a lot better than what I had been using, but that’s not the real purpose of this story. The REAL purpose of this story is what happened because of all this.

See, the guy I had decided to buy my Oreck from was a guy here in St. Louis named Mike. And when I went to go pick it up from him, I saw he had a few more lying around as well. So I asked how much, and he decided to give me a deal.

I quickly went home and sold the extras for a decent little profit, which pretty much paid for the $220 I spent on buying the one for me.

Then… I went back to Mike… and… got some more.

And…. sold those for a decent little profit as well.

“Hmm…” I thought. “I wonder if I could really turn this into something.”

So eventually Mike and I worked out a deal where I could get as many as I wanted for a certain price as often as I wanted. I figured out the average price I could fetch for them and spent awhile perfecting a pitch for them that (I hoped) would set me apart from all the other sellers.

And…it worked! After I worked out all the bugs in the math, found what worked best in the pitch, and settled into a pattern, at least for awhile there for a few months I was pulling down around $20,000 per month. (yes, per month)

It was kindof funny there for awhile. I could’ve swore the people at my bank were wondering if I wasn’t doing something illegal… because I was withdrawing about $4,000 in cash about every week or so. But to their credit, they did treat me really nicely and several of them learned my name.

Then, after awhile of fighting off relentless competition trying to drive the prices down, my margins weren’t what they used to be and so I went out of the Oreck business. It was good while it lasted, but it was some to move on to something else.

But… if it were not for Courtney and her love of infomercials rubbing off on me, probably none of it would’ve ever happened.

That wasn’t the only relationship I’ve ever benefitted from monetarily, either. Something similar happened with Christine, except this time it wasn’t an existing product like the Oreck, but an idea for a product I ended up creating, testing and rolling out on. That one turned into a decent amount of money as well. (***none of this is to say those are the only ways I benefitted from any of these events… there are many ways, but they are the for the talk of another post)

When will it end? I have no idea. But that’s not the point. You’ve just got to ride these sorts of things until they run out of steam. Then… it’s onto whatever’s next. And next after that, etc.

There will be failures in everything but they are only failures if you do not learn from or leave with anything from them.

You really do just have to keep swinging the bat until you knock several out of the park. That’s what it’s really all about.

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