I get around 400 e-mail messages per day.
Out of that 400, about 310 of them are spam.
And since spam filters aren’t perfect, I do spend a little time each day making sure none of my REAL messages end up among all the garbage… wouldn’t want that inheritance check notification from granny flushed down the toilet alongside offers for replica Rolex watches.
So as I sit perched in my Ivory Tower overlooking the wasteland, I’ve discovered an interesting trend in spam the last couple years.
Spam used to be completely and utterly 100% Grade A moronic. But some of it has gotten halfway decent, and a few of them have gotten downright hilarious.
In e-mail marketing of any kind, it’s common knowledge the “subject line” and the “From” line are the two most important variables determining if the e-mail gets opened, and (hopefully) at least looked at.
Spammers test their e-mail subject lines relentlessly, as should anyone who uses e-mail to market products, legit or not. Even though my favorites are idiotic nonsense grammatically, some of them surprisingly tap into real core desires that exist within the target market.
Things most marketers are afraid to say or feel like they’re “above” saying, spammers go straight for the jugular. And it works, or else they wouldn’t keep barfing it out en masse.
Here’s what I mean:
#1. “women don’t like it when the friend in your pants is sleepy”
It’s funny to see how many creative ways spammers come up with to avoid triggering keywords like “penis” and “sex” that the filters constantly look out for. And it’s true; if you and your girl are wantin’ to get it on, it’s a pretty big downer when the “friend in your pants” won’t play ball.
Most guys react to this situation by making excuses like “this never happens, I have no idea what’s wrong” which… if ya think about it… is really putting the blame on the GIRL, and not the guy where it belongs.
Just as an aside, if you ever are in this situation with a woman, the “right” thing to do is own the experience, accept responsibility for it in your mind, and then make some comment like “eh, it’ll come around later… now in the meantime…” and then smile at her and use your imagination to please her in other ways until said “friend” feels a little more friendly.
#2. “bring back time when girls were yours”
Assumes a lot, doesn’t it? This one was my favorite for a long time. It’s the first spam I’ve seen hinting at the fact the reader might not have always been a total loser. Apparently girls wanted him at one time, but something happened and now he’s a leper. This spammer promises a return to the good ol’ days… that, in all likelihood, never actually existed.
#3. “tonight be a hero in her eyes”
I see a lot of “have great sex” sales pitches miss the crucial point this spammer here nails with perfection. Most pitches focus entirely on “mind blowing orgasms” and being able to “last all night”, etc etc. But one thing they don’t get is the core base desire of a man to be seen as a hero in the eyes of his woman. In fact, it’s such a strong base desire in most men, that many a successful business opportunity pitch has cashed in on precisely the opposite: being a horrible failure in her eyes, a man unable to provide for his family. It’s humiliating and emasculating to a man, and tapping into it works to sell him “how to make money” products. So why not harness the power of the opposite? If I ever wrote a sex pitch, I’d be focusing more on the look of ecstasy on her face and admiration in her eyes (the adoring way she looks up at you while biting her lip) and less on “lasting all night” – something most women don’t really want from a man anyway; they just want a guy to last “long enough” and then be done with it for awhile.
#4. “more man’s meat for laughable money”
Another great attempt to skirt the spam filters by not saying “bigger penis for less money” Classic.
#5. “never be flaccid again”
Holy shit! This would be a total nightmare. I guarantee you if this were a reality, you could make a fortune selling pills to make guy’s dicks SMALL and FLOPPY. Remember those Viagra ads where they say “if erection lasts longer than 4 hours, consult your physician”?? Oh, the pain, the pain…
#6. “do you feel like a giant compared to the midget in your pants?”
The mental image of this one makes me laugh every time. As a matter of fact, yes, I do feel like a giant compared to the little midget squirming around in my pants. He’s been slowly suffocating down there since 2004. No wonder I scare girls away.
#7. “girls will love you more with a bigger pole”
If only the real world really worked like this. If every time I wanted a girl, all I had to do was go out to some public place (maybe a bar, a club… Wal-mart), drop trow, show off my goods, and she’d come running. I wouldn’t even have to talk to anybody or any of that other lame shit. Life would be wonderful. And when I got tired of her and wanted someone new? Just go back to the frozen foods section and do it all again.
But for some baffling reason, women don’t base too much of their first impression of a man on the size of his dick. And they have this annoying habit of calling the cops if you try to show it to them before introducing yourself. Damn. I guess real life isn’t the dream world spammers would have us believe.
#8. “your big proud friend in the pants will overshadow the Empire State Building”
Now that’s just absurd.
#9. “you can appear rich by being very poor if you want”
This one confused me for awhile, until I saw they were selling replica watches. Then it made sense… sorta. See, if I wear a replica Rolex, I can appear rich… even though I may be living in my car. According to this spammer, the choice is mine.
#10. “don’t keep her waiting – change those ants in your pants to a real beast”
After I released the midget, army ants infested my pants like a motherfucker. But thank God, with this pill I was able to transform them into an unholy beast – to the delight of my girlfriend.
#11. “i showed susan my new length today”
Imagine waking up to an e-mail like this from your best friend. “Wow, I just thought Josh was joking yesterday when he said he was gonna show Susan in accounting his new penis.” As I click on the e-mail to open it, I can’t help but wonder, “Really, Josh, how did it go?”
#12. “your bed will be attracting women like a magnet”
Displaying my penis in the grocery aisle was easy enough, but having a bed attract women to my place automatically?! Now THAT’S efficient! I can only imagine what late-night infomercials would be like if Tempur-Pedic sold Chick Magnet Mattresses.
#13. “if there will be only girls around, will you be ready?”
You’re knocked unconscious. Drugged. Beaten. Stripped naked. You wake up in the fetal position in an all-white padded room 8 hours later, surrounded by beautiful women. A bright light shines overhead. Then an ominous robotic voice crackles over the intercom: “If there will be only girls around… will you be ready?”
Finally put to the test. Glad I read my spam.
#14. “punish her – to have sex 10 hours in a row???”
I can see the “punish her” subject line definitely appealing to some people, me included. And the little winking smiley face was a nice touch adding to its attention-getting power. Inside the e-mail body it simply read “to have sex 10 hours in a row???” followed by a nonsensical link. The triple question marks, though spammy, is actually an effective way of enhancing a message IF it’s used properly and above all, sparingly. Even though having sex 10 hours in a row isn’t something most mainstream people want, the “punish her” bit definitely taps into something core.
#15. “yes, girls always tell their girlfriends about the men they sleep with”
Reminds me of a typical Sex & The City cafe gossip scene. This line plays off the fact that if it’s bad for your woman to think you’re a crappy lover, then it’s a HUNDRED TIMES worse for all her friends and half the block to share the same opinion. After the two of you break up, the only sex you’ll get will be in another zipcode. But you can avoid this terrible fate by simply “being a hero in her eyes.”
#16. “Don’t let your love making rod become rusty due to its size”
How many times do the spammers have to remind us? The truth, dear Brutus, lies not in our personalities… but in the size of our rods.
#17. “the most powerful weapon for your sex battles”
Ah, so sex is a “battle” now. Two opponents square off between the sheets and, just like the Highlander, There Can Be Only One. With each woman I vanquish, my immortal penis grows stronger, standing firm to receive the Life Force as excruciating little bolts of lightning pummel my balls.
#18. “don’t you just want to run away when you can’t satisfy your girl?”
Sounds funny, but it’s no laughing matter to the man who feels like a sexual failure in front of his woman. Bravo to the spammers for coming up with this nugget. The target prospect will “get it” immediately.
#19. “women will be eating your watch with their eyes”
I’ve heard of women “undressing me with their eyes” before, but never snacking on my watch. Oh well. I guess as long as my bed magnet is working that night, who cares.
Guys, I can tell you first hand that wearing an expensive watch impresses no one but yourself… so make sure it’s one that makes YOU happy. I recently went out to dinner with a beautiful woman and my $108 “pretty good” watch got the same kind of attention as my $3,400 James Bond watch does.
#20. “lead your boner to victory”
Over trecherous mountains and through mucky swamp, I shall faithfully guide my shaft to its ultimate destination.
#21. “now your member can be as hard as Pinocchio’s nose”
What?! And besides… wouldn’t you want to say “as LONG as Pinocchio’s nose” ? Shocking how a spammer correctly spelled the word “Pinocchio” but can’t grasp basic grammar.
Hmm, come to think of it… a pill that, when swallowed, will make a man’s penis grow every time he tells a lie?
Make your own joke out of that one