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How To Make Yourself Immune To Jealousy
April 21, 2008
The period after breaking up with a long-term girlfriend or spouse is often a difficult one. I think it’s easy for men (and women) to become so comfortable and emotionally dependent in a relationship that they experience a lot of FEAR when ending that relationship…
“What’s going to happen?”
“Will I ever meet another woman?”
“How do I get started?”
…etc.
If you can remember breaking up with long-term girlfriends in the past, and feeling an empty, fearful, lonely combination of emotions in your gut, that was horrible, wasn’t it? That feeling alone is enough to cause a lot of problems. Add to that not knowing where to start, what to do, or how to “get your game back” if you had it in the past and you usually get a bad situation.
I’ve learned that knowing how to go out anytime and meet women has a couple of MAJOR benefits when it comes to this area:
1) When you know that you can meet women anytime you want, it makes you stop acting so NEEDY and CLINGY in a relationship. Most needy and clingy behavior is rooted in the FEAR that you’ll never be able to find another woman.
2) When it comes to ending a relationship, this skill makes things much easier. Too many guys stay in relationships that are bad for them, and are afraid to end a relationship because of that deeply-rooted insecurity that comes from not knowing how to walk out the door anytime, anywhere and meet women. When you know how to do this, you won’t try to hold on, sacrifice your own respect and dignity pleading and begging, and ultimately make the situation much worse than it would have been if you would have just walked away.
In short, what I’m trying to say is that I think understanding this area called “How to attract women” is a key to having a good relationship. When you have that inner confidence and knowing, it makes you more attractive, period. Now let’s talk about what to do about competition from other guys…
First I want to talk about what I believe is at the core root of the problem:
1) Insecurity.
2) Jealously.
When you are insecure, you’re always wondering if some other guy is going to come along and steal your girl. This often shows up as a combination of feelings that make you worry about losing your girl, and at the same time worrying about not being able to find another one if you DO lose this one. This is a BAD, BAD thing, because it then clouds your thinking, and creates an illusion that the woman you’re with is better than she is, and that you’re worse than you are.
Then, as if things weren’t bad enough, you go out with your girl, and other guys start hitting on her right in front of you. This triggers more insecurity, and then the real problem… jealously. Jealousy is an incredibly powerful emotion. It often leads people to KILL people they love. One scientist wrote an entire book about jealousy, and basically claimed that it was the most powerful and important emotion ever! (The book is called “The Dangerous Passion” by Buss)
When you’re out with your girl, you turn around to order a drink, and when you turn back around there’s some guy talking to her with that “I’d love to take you home and do things that the lord forbids”, it can trigger a few emotions…This is very natural. Animals have this same response in similar situations. I personally believe that we come pre-wired with both of these things:
We come pre-wired to want women that other men already have (Don’t covet thy neighbor’s wife).
We come pre-wired to feel jealousy if we suspect that our spouse is cheating, or if we think that someone is going to take them from us.
Again, normal and natural stuff.
…Jealousy leads to anger, anger leads to INSECURE BEHAVIOR… and insecure behavior leads to a host of awful things both for you and your relationships. Now, jealousy doesn’t always lead to insecure wussy behavior, sometimes it leads to insecure ”dumb ass” behavior, like getting into a fight, or shooting someone. Some men enjoy fights and violence. And some women have no problem dating a man who likes to beat other men up (or beat her up).
I personally think that violence and hurting other people is the IGNORANT way to deal with things. But I also know that there are a lot of guys out there that don’t share my views. To each his own. The point I’m trying to make is that insecurity and jealousy make people do all kinds of stupid and thoughtless things. These emotions take over your mind and body, and can trigger some of the most short-sighted behaviors you’ll ever experience.
These are complex emotions that are deeply rooted in all of us… and they’re not going away anytime soon. In many cases, they literally take control of your mind and body. For instance…
Let’s say you’ve just broken up with your girlfriend or wife, and it took you a long time to finally get a date with an attractive woman. Maybe you were feeling insecure, and didn’t know if you could meet another woman, and let’s say that the breakup was hard on you as well. Let’s say you’re out at a bar with your new date, and you excuse yourself to use the boy’s room… and when you get back, there are two big, handsome guys talking to your date, and she’s laughing hysterically at what they’re saying.
What would most guys do in this situation?
THEY’D FREAK. That’s what. All kinds of fear, jealousy, insecurity, etc. would instantly take over, and there would be thoughts of her wanting to be with these guys, them taking her away, etc. And what do most guys actually do in one of these situations? They walk over, act nervous, and try to take the girl away from the situation. And they make the mistake of making it OBVIOUS that they’re all freaked out, intimidated, jealous, and insecure. This, of course, only makes the other guys feel more powerful, and makes the woman realize that she’s with an insecure wimp. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy, in most cases.
As a side note: I have met and know of guys who actually enjoy picking up women who are out with other guys. It’s a game to them. And they’ve found that it’s easy, because most men are insecure, and most women don’t want to be with someone who is.
So what’s the answer here?
What’s the best thing to do when a guy is making his move on your girl? Well let’s start from a little before that. The best thing you can do in one of these situations is what you do before it ever happens… and it’s a combination of things:
1) Realize that there’s nothing to be insecure and jealous about, and that these things only lead to fear and loss.
2) Get your game in shape with women. Get yourself to the point where you can meet women in ANY situation, this way you always know deep down that if any woman you’re with ever decides to leave, you can turn around and start meeting women. This eliminates insecurity.
3) Mentally prepare. Take some time to imagine that you’re in one of these situations, and notice the feelings you have. Go over it in your mind until you can think about it without having any negative emotions triggered.
And here’s what to do when you’re actually IN the situation…
1) EXPECT IT. If you start dating hot women, other men will hit on them, GUARANTEED. It’s part of life. You must expect that it’s going to happen, and not be surprised when it does.
2) Learn how to have FUN with it. Most guys have no game at all… and it’s kind of funny to watch and listen to them. I enjoy watching guys try to meet women, because they fail miserably in most cases. Sometimes you can wait until a guy is finished trying to pick up on the girl you’re with, and then get her to share the details so you can both have a good laugh.
3) Suggest that she date the guy. One of my favorite things to do is say “Hey, you guys would make a cute couple… I think you should go for him.” Of course, this is all said in a light, fun way.
4) If you suspect that the girl you’re with is actually TRYING to make you jealous, talk to other women. If you actually think that a woman is deliberately trying to make you jealous, you must do some thinking as well. Some women enjoy making men compete over them, and a lot of guys don’t want to be with one of these women. But if you think it’s just a typical situation and the girl is trying to figure out if you “really” like her (because you’ll get jealous if you do), then just turn around and start a conversation with a group of girls… and wait for her to come and find you.
The point I’m making is that you MUST get over that fear/insecurity/jealousy issue, and realize that there is nothing to be afraid of. The only power that other guys will have with your date is the power that you GIVE them… so don’t give them any power by acting like a wimp. Keep your power for yourself. The main reason that other guys try to hit on your girl is because they don’t have one themselves. Remember that.
…and if you’re reading this right now and thinking to yourself “You know, I need to learn this stuff about how to meet and attract women so I can get rid of that insecure and fearful feeling I have”, then YOU’RE RIGHT! I think that every man should invest in himself, and learn this skill. Unfortunately, most guys never take the time and invest in themselves… and they wind up going their whole lives WISHING that they could attract the kinds of women that they want.
What’s the difference between being one of the guys who doesn’t know what he is doing with women and one of the guys who can go out anytime, in any situation and attract women?
TAKING THE TIME TO LEARN and EXPERIMENT.
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Tags: breaking up, confidence, dating, emotions, fear, fun, girlfriend, girls, ignorance, insecurity, jealousy, loneliness, men, relationships, violence, wife, womenTopics: Romance & Relationships |
October 28th, 2008 at 12:58 am
Why is jealousy bad? It is good motivation and it allows you to focus better?
October 28th, 2008 at 2:41 am
It can be. Sometimes. For more on that, see the post I wrote called “5 reasons why guys leave the girls they love” and then scroll down to where it talks about collapse, posturing, and walking the razors edge. That will help put the feelings into perspective.
November 11th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Hi there. I need your advice. There is this guy who made a move on my girl. He knew that she was with me but he went all the way telling her that she deserves him more than I do and that i would end up hurting her, so in short he was saying shes wasting her time with me. And yes I was very very angry that i took his mobile numbers from her phone and called him. My girlfriend found out that i approached him and was very angry that i did that and that im being jelous. Please advise me in this situation. thank you
November 11th, 2008 at 10:21 pm
This kindof reminds me of situations when I’ve been interested in a girl who already had a “boyfriend” (or some other type of guy she was already into) and I wanted to steer her away from him to be with me.
What was most important in these situations was not how I handled him, but how I made her feel about being with me.
By ignoring him and making her feel awesome about being with me (by being more interesting, showing her little glimpses into “my world” to make her wonder how great it would be if she were a part of it too, etc), the other guy just seems to fade from the picture. And before too long, he’s not even an issue.
Even if the guy who said this about you is bullshit, fighting with him only gives him more substance (makes his threat more real) and creates doubt in the girl’s mind about you. (and if you ever have to reference the other guy, never call him by name, instead call him “that guy”, “him” or whatever - play down his role. He’s nothing. Think: This is my world, my reality, not his.)
I know it’s easy to get pissed and lose control but it pays to make him unimportant. If he’s unimportant to you, it’ll be easier for her to think the same.
And instead of letting her focus on what that guy said (negative), pile on the good stuff in your favor and get her to focus on that. Pull all those attraction strings you know about that got her attracted to you in the first place.
Just don’t make it seem like you’re trying too hard. The good stuff should be a natural part of your relationship.
That’s just my 2 cents on the subject