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How To Make Yourself Immune To Jealousy
April 21, 2008
The period after breaking up with a long-term girlfriend or spouse is often a difficult one. I think it’s easy for men (and women) to become so comfortable and emotionally dependent in a relationship that they experience a lot of FEAR when ending that relationship…
“What’s going to happen?”
“Will I ever meet another woman?”
“How do I get started?”
…etc.
If you can remember breaking up with long-term girlfriends in the past, and feeling an empty, fearful, lonely combination of emotions in your gut, that was horrible, wasn’t it? That feeling alone is enough to cause a lot of problems. Add to that not knowing where to start, what to do, or how to “get your game back” if you had it in the past and you usually get a bad situation.
I’ve learned that knowing how to go out anytime and meet women has a couple of MAJOR benefits when it comes to this area:
1) When you know that you can meet women anytime you want, it makes you stop acting so NEEDY and CLINGY in a relationship. Most needy and clingy behavior is rooted in the FEAR that you’ll never be able to find another woman.
2) When it comes to ending a relationship, this skill makes things much easier. Too many guys stay in relationships that are bad for them, and are afraid to end a relationship because of that deeply-rooted insecurity that comes from not knowing how to walk out the door anytime, anywhere and meet women. When you know how to do this, you won’t try to hold on, sacrifice your own respect and dignity pleading and begging, and ultimately make the situation much worse than it would have been if you would have just walked away.
In short, what I’m trying to say is that I think understanding this area called “How to attract women” is a key to having a good relationship. When you have that inner confidence and knowing, it makes you more attractive, period. Now let’s talk about what to do about competition from other guys…
First I want to talk about what I believe is at the core root of the problem:
1) Insecurity.
2) Jealously.
When you are insecure, you’re always wondering if some other guy is going to come along and steal your girl. This often shows up as a combination of feelings that make you worry about losing your girl, and at the same time worrying about not being able to find another one if you DO lose this one. This is a BAD, BAD thing, because it then clouds your thinking, and creates an illusion that the woman you’re with is better than she is, and that you’re worse than you are.
Then, as if things weren’t bad enough, you go out with your girl, and other guys start hitting on her right in front of you. This triggers more insecurity, and then the real problem… jealously. Jealousy is an incredibly powerful emotion. It often leads people to KILL people they love. One scientist wrote an entire book about jealousy, and basically claimed that it was the most powerful and important emotion ever! (The book is called “The Dangerous Passion” by Buss)
When you’re out with your girl, you turn around to order a drink, and when you turn back around there’s some guy talking to her with that “I’d love to take you home and do things that the lord forbids”, it can trigger a few emotions…This is very natural. Animals have this same response in similar situations. I personally believe that we come pre-wired with both of these things:
We come pre-wired to want women that other men already have (Don’t covet thy neighbor’s wife).
We come pre-wired to feel jealousy if we suspect that our spouse is cheating, or if we think that someone is going to take them from us.
Again, normal and natural stuff.
…Jealousy leads to anger, anger leads to INSECURE BEHAVIOR… and insecure behavior leads to a host of awful things both for you and your relationships. Now, jealousy doesn’t always lead to insecure wussy behavior, sometimes it leads to insecure ”dumb ass” behavior, like getting into a fight, or shooting someone. Some men enjoy fights and violence. And some women have no problem dating a man who likes to beat other men up (or beat her up).
I personally think that violence and hurting other people is the IGNORANT way to deal with things. But I also know that there are a lot of guys out there that don’t share my views. To each his own. The point I’m trying to make is that insecurity and jealousy make people do all kinds of stupid and thoughtless things. These emotions take over your mind and body, and can trigger some of the most short-sighted behaviors you’ll ever experience.
These are complex emotions that are deeply rooted in all of us… and they’re not going away anytime soon. In many cases, they literally take control of your mind and body. For instance…
Let’s say you’ve just broken up with your girlfriend or wife, and it took you a long time to finally get a date with an attractive woman. Maybe you were feeling insecure, and didn’t know if you could meet another woman, and let’s say that the breakup was hard on you as well. Let’s say you’re out at a bar with your new date, and you excuse yourself to use the boy’s room… and when you get back, there are two big, handsome guys talking to your date, and she’s laughing hysterically at what they’re saying.
What would most guys do in this situation?
THEY’D FREAK. That’s what. All kinds of fear, jealousy, insecurity, etc. would instantly take over, and there would be thoughts of her wanting to be with these guys, them taking her away, etc. And what do most guys actually do in one of these situations? They walk over, act nervous, and try to take the girl away from the situation. And they make the mistake of making it OBVIOUS that they’re all freaked out, intimidated, jealous, and insecure. This, of course, only makes the other guys feel more powerful, and makes the woman realize that she’s with an insecure wimp. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy, in most cases.
As a side note: I have met and know of guys who actually enjoy picking up women who are out with other guys. It’s a game to them. And they’ve found that it’s easy, because most men are insecure, and most women don’t want to be with someone who is.
So what’s the answer here?
What’s the best thing to do when a guy is making his move on your girl? Well let’s start from a little before that. The best thing you can do in one of these situations is what you do before it ever happens… and it’s a combination of things:
1) Realize that there’s nothing to be insecure and jealous about, and that these things only lead to fear and loss.
2) Get your game in shape with women. Get yourself to the point where you can meet women in ANY situation, this way you always know deep down that if any woman you’re with ever decides to leave, you can turn around and start meeting women. This eliminates insecurity.
3) Mentally prepare. Take some time to imagine that you’re in one of these situations, and notice the feelings you have. Go over it in your mind until you can think about it without having any negative emotions triggered.
And here’s what to do when you’re actually IN the situation…
1) EXPECT IT. If you start dating hot women, other men will hit on them, GUARANTEED. It’s part of life. You must expect that it’s going to happen, and not be surprised when it does.
2) Learn how to have FUN with it. Most guys have no game at all… and it’s kind of funny to watch and listen to them. I enjoy watching guys try to meet women, because they fail miserably in most cases. Sometimes you can wait until a guy is finished trying to pick up on the girl you’re with, and then get her to share the details so you can both have a good laugh.
3) Suggest that she date the guy. One of my favorite things to do is say “Hey, you guys would make a cute couple… I think you should go for him.” Of course, this is all said in a light, fun way.
4) If you suspect that the girl you’re with is actually TRYING to make you jealous, talk to other women. If you actually think that a woman is deliberately trying to make you jealous, you must do some thinking as well. Some women enjoy making men compete over them, and a lot of guys don’t want to be with one of these women. But if you think it’s just a typical situation and the girl is trying to figure out if you “really” like her (because you’ll get jealous if you do), then just turn around and start a conversation with a group of girls… and wait for her to come and find you.
The point I’m making is that you MUST get over that fear/insecurity/jealousy issue, and realize that there is nothing to be afraid of. The only power that other guys will have with your date is the power that you GIVE them… so don’t give them any power by acting like a wimp. Keep your power for yourself. The main reason that other guys try to hit on your girl is because they don’t have one themselves. Remember that.
…and if you’re reading this right now and thinking to yourself “You know, I need to learn this stuff about how to meet and attract women so I can get rid of that insecure and fearful feeling I have”, then YOU’RE RIGHT! I think that every man should invest in himself, and learn this skill. Unfortunately, most guys never take the time and invest in themselves… and they wind up going their whole lives WISHING that they could attract the kinds of women that they want.
What’s the difference between being one of the guys who doesn’t know what he is doing with women and one of the guys who can go out anytime, in any situation and attract women?
TAKING THE TIME TO LEARN and EXPERIMENT.
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Tags: breaking up, confidence, dating, emotions, fear, fun, girlfriend, girls, ignorance, insecurity, jealousy, loneliness, men, relationships, violence, wife, womenTopics: Romance & Relationships | 13 Comments »
Why is jealousy bad? It is good motivation and it allows you to focus better?
It can be. Sometimes. For more on that, see the post I wrote called “5 reasons why guys leave the girls they love” and then scroll down to where it talks about collapse, posturing, and walking the razors edge. That will help put the feelings into perspective.
Hi there. I need your advice. There is this guy who made a move on my girl. He knew that she was with me but he went all the way telling her that she deserves him more than I do and that i would end up hurting her, so in short he was saying shes wasting her time with me. And yes I was very very angry that i took his mobile numbers from her phone and called him. My girlfriend found out that i approached him and was very angry that i did that and that im being jelous. Please advise me in this situation. thank you
This kindof reminds me of situations when I’ve been interested in a girl who already had a “boyfriend” (or some other type of guy she was already into) and I wanted to steer her away from him to be with me.
What was most important in these situations was not how I handled him, but how I made her feel about being with me.
By ignoring him and making her feel awesome about being with me (by being more interesting, showing her little glimpses into “my world” to make her wonder how great it would be if she were a part of it too, etc), the other guy just seems to fade from the picture. And before too long, he’s not even an issue.
Even if the guy who said this about you is bullshit, fighting with him only gives him more substance (makes his threat more real) and creates doubt in the girl’s mind about you. (and if you ever have to reference the other guy, never call him by name, instead call him “that guy”, “him” or whatever – play down his role. He’s nothing. Think: This is my world, my reality, not his.)
I know it’s easy to get pissed and lose control but it pays to make him unimportant. If he’s unimportant to you, it’ll be easier for her to think the same.
And instead of letting her focus on what that guy said (negative), pile on the good stuff in your favor and get her to focus on that. Pull all those attraction strings you know about that got her attracted to you in the first place.
Just don’t make it seem like you’re trying too hard. The good stuff should be a natural part of your relationship.
That’s just my 2 cents on the subject
I think this article made some great points. However, I have a serious problem with #3 in what to do in the situation.
“3) Suggest that she date the guy. One of my favorite things to do is say “Hey, you guys would make a cute couple… I think you should go for him.” Of course, this is all said in a light, fun way.”
I realize that it says to approach this in a light-hearted and amusing way. But I think that if someone is struggling to cover up their jealousy and underlying tone may still come through. And if I heard a man say this, even jokingly, to me I would take it as a signal that he isn’t interested in me or even insulting since I am on a set date with him.
Great article. It is true…breaking up is much easier when you know that there are many opportunities out there! And, when you know how to do, there are SO many opportunities!
John’s last blog post..My Divorce Mistakes
I completely agree with alot of what you have said and am glad I came to this site. But I do have an outstanding question that i hope you may be able to help with. my question is why would a man or women ask about there partners past with ex boyfriends or girlfriends to make themselves deliberately jealous? or why would anyone make themselves deliberatly jealous? i understand this is not the topic at hand but hope you can help with this personal matter. Thank you.
I see it as kindof like looking at a car crash. On one hand, you don’t want to look at someone’s past because of what you might see. On the other, you’re compelled to look.
Some guys like to know a girl’s history because a lot of guys want to be the “experienced” one who shows the innocent girl the ropes. All throughout history, everybody always wants the beautiful virgin. I know that idea certainly appeals to me
He also secretly wants to know if he’s her “best”…if she’s been with a lot of guys, it makes some guys feel inferior. So he’ll get jealous, even though he insisted on knowing. Not knowing at all is torture.
Most of the women who have asked me something like this, it was pretty clear their desire to know sprang from some kind of personal insecurity. It was as if they thought I would value them less if I had been with more girls… so they wanted to know.
For me, that’s not true… I’m not going to automatically value her less because of some comparison. Everybody’s unique and brings out different sides of your personality.
What if your girlfriend naturally (and perhaps rightly so) gets jealous if you look at other women but then for example goes onto a website for phone downloads (wall papers) to look at women for phones and asks you to look at them to see who is most attractive and or sexy. At this point she is obviously hating every second and making herself jealous for no other reason than to get a reaction. i can understand that perhaps this is pure curiosity, or maybe she is comparing them to herself? in order to get some feeling of security although the more probable threat of making herself more insecure and jealous? Now i understand that jealousy and insecurity are normal human emotions especially insecurity in women and jealousy in men but why would anyone want to play these hurtful mind game? Even if the out come is jealousy that is self inflicted. I always try to step away from these mind games as sometimes they can get out of hand especially if you happen to be much better at it. Because then you have the problem that you urself may become the one intending to hurt perhaps becoming jealous urself deliberately to get a reaction from your partner. If anyone can shed light on this matter especially greg this would be much appreciated. Thank You
Yeah it could be curiosity or she’s comparing herself to the girls you say are attractive. I’ve had girls do that to me before. She’d ask, I’d be honest, and then she’d get all huffed up about it. Funny how its mostly American girls who do that.
I say don’t compromise your integrity by lying, but try changing the focus.
So she says “Which one of these girls do you think is sexy?”
You might say “Why do you want one of those girls as your wallpaper anyway? I thought you liked (whatever)”
Or you could say “I’m sure they’re all attractive or else they wouldn’t be on a wallpaper site.” And say it like you don’t give a shit.
Or you could pick out someone/something obviously ugly and try to make her laugh.
thanks for that wish i had of thought of that, but in the end we are all wiser in heins sight lol. and i appreciate the underlining humour. You are right at the time i didnt play along to this and ignored the situation, it was pure curiosity that brought me to this question, but thank you for your imput, hopefuly looking at it from that angle will help and have a couple of laughs instead. As i think that is probably the best way of dealing with it. might have some question soon look forward to the debate. Thank you again.
I wouldn’t act insecure. I’d walk up to the three of them, kiss the lady on the lips, then just turn around and stare both of the guys in the eyes. Never had one stick around after that… even drunk ones leave… it’s disrespectful to hit on a woman when a man is with her and you’re a dishonorable puss if you do. That dude prolly worked for that date; go work for your own dam date.
I believe that Jealousy is only there when a person is very insecure in life.
At the end of the day, as I say to my wife all the time, “there is one thing I cannot oblige you to do and this is to love me”, She is so lucky to have a brilliant husband , she knows she will never go with someone else (coughing).
Ben