Are you more than just another pretty face?
Evil Genius Seeks Hot Sexy “Bond Girl” With A Good Sense Of Humor… Must Love Life, Travel, Intrigue, Laser Beams
Are you an attractive, intelligent young lady who would like to share a little piece of paradise? If so, this may be the most interesting personals ad you’ll ever read.
My name is Greg and I’m a generous young guy with a healthy dash of evil looking for a unique kind of girl who would like to share a few small (but exciting!) adventures with me. Are you her? Maybe. Maybe not. The first thing it depends on is me… because if I’m not your kind of guy, then what I have to offer may not be your idea of how life should be lived.
So let’s start with me. Here’s what my life is like: First of all, I love waking up to the smell of freshly ground French Vanilla, maybe pancakes if the mood strikes. (When it comes to world domination, the early bird gets the worm.) I eat a piece of fruit and think about my ideas for the day and long-term master plan while jogging a 20-minute bit around the high-rise I live in overlooking the city. When I’m finished I go downstairs a few floors to “The House of Pain” (actually the sign outside the door says “Fitness Center”) where a stone-aged sadist masquerading as a personal trainer forces me to use all manner of fiendish devices in ways for which no mortal body was designed.
After about an hour of this I go back upstairs to my spacious apartment-like secret lair to shower, change into some fresh clothes and eat a light breakfast. Now… my true plan unfurls…
I love what I do for a living and, I must confess, sometimes I can be a real workaholic. For example, right now (when I’m not busy traveling, scouting locations for my underground volcano base) I am writing the advertising for three national companies, two local businesses, publishing two books and always in the middle of one of the 1,200 or so books in my personal library – so as to always be learning more about the world which I will someday control.
It’s quite a workload. And what do I do when I stop working? At the end of the day, what is my big reward for all the writing, thinking, solving, straining, creating, and plotting?
Lately… nothing! Not a damn thing. You name it – not even my favorite Cabernet Sauvignon and some obscure 1960’s French-cool-style film can make an evening good and interesting again. Not even opening a trap door of piranhas under an unsuspecting intruder thrills me quite like it used to. Life has gone a little stale and it is now time for me to rise up out of the boredom and find myself another beautiful, intelligent companion.
So why write an ad? Why advertise for a woman? Am I some kind of geek with two heads and breath that kills?
Actually no. I’m a reasonably attractive white male (with a resemblance to Matt Damon) 28 years of age with a shining personality (except when I’m bored), a sharp wit, steady aim, and well-rounded educationally. I’ve got a decent tan, light brown hair, am always clean shaven, and love to dress in Ralph Lauren and 1960’s “Mad Men” style suits. (However around the lair I let it slide a bit – black silk boxers, t-shirt and a black and white Dior robe.) At 6’1” and 170 pounds (that’s 185cm and 77 kg for you sophisticated metric people) I am not too short or very tall, nor too skinny or fat. I’m in the best shape of my life and I’m not hurting for money.
So again, why do I have to advertise? Well, actually I don’t have to look too far to find a simple date. I’ve met some amazing Bond girls before and would like to do so again. But you know what? I’ve also met some girls who were not so amazing. I’ve met some who, although had great exteriors, were… shall we say… one prize short of a Happy Meal.
And so far, I haven’t even described what I consider to be the worst category of women of all. These are girls who, in my opinion, might be clinically crazy. You know how I can tell? It’s easy. All I have to do is look for the women who don’t possess any of the qualities that turn me off, but for some inexplicable reason, are not interested in me.
Can you imagine that?
So the idea of this ad is to put a little “science” into the search – to save me a lot of time with someone only to discover I am not interested in her, or (and much worse) that she is not interested in me.
What do I want in a girl? I’ve got a pretty good idea, but have to admit I’m quite flexible on some things. However, I’ve got an even better idea of what I don’t want and it is here I am not very flexible at all. So let’s start with that. Here are:
6 Things Greg Does NOT Want
From Any Woman!
#1. Death or disease. This is any sensible guy’s deal killer, and for good reason. I’m not a junkie, I don’t stick needles into my body unless my doctor tricks me into it, I don’t mess around with prostitutes, and I’ve never been to any weird 3rd world countries (isn’t that what minions are for?) What all this means is to the best of my knowledge I don’t have any sort of dreadful disease lurking in the dark nether regions of my body. If you can’t say the same, please do not respond. I’d rather “Die Another Day.”
#2. Drug & alcohol drama. Do you like to have the occasional drink or get high once in awhile? No problem. But the words “occasional” and “once in awhile” are very important. If your idea of a good time mainly features these things, we probably won’t get along. A good Bond girl has more interesting things going on in her life.
#3. Desperate dilemmas. Are you sleeping in your car because the rent is 6 months overdue? Is your ex-boyfriend a hatchet murderer trying to track you down, swearing to chop any “dude” who so much as looks at you? Are you in desperate need of fast cash because grandma’s gotta have a kidney transplant?
I’m sorry. I may be an evil mastermind with international connections, but I can’t right all your wrongs. On the contrary, if we’re going to take on the world (and win) you’ve got to have your life together just as much as I. That way, we will enhance each other’s lives by adding romance and excitement.
#4. Debbie Does Dallas. Do you spend your weekends attending orgies? Do you run a credit check on every guy you meet before you’ll go to bed with him? Do you have a hidden clock in your panties and a cash register in your bra? If so, I’d better pass. I’m a risk-taker but not when it comes to this. I’m clean and want to make sure I stay that way.
#5. Frumpy prudes! Listen – if you showed up at my door at 1am with Jenna Jameson and a suitcase of fun, I certainly would not toss you out and report you to Billy Graham. Fear not. I may be cautious but I’m not crazy and never closed minded. Just because I’m not into drugs and orgies doesn’t mean I’m dead (however assassination attempts have been made.) It’s true I don’t want a girl who’s been sleeping with everything in pants. But if you take things too seriously and think foreplay is begging and “doggie style” reminds you of a terrier in a tuxedo, then rest assured the world is a better place without our paths having crossed.
#6. Children - Uh oh, that was it, wasn’t it? You’ve spent all this time and read so far and now Greg rains on the whole parade with this one word. Hey, I realize there are a lot of great girls out there with kids. But for me, now is not the time. There are still plenty of years ahead to spawn the next generation of diabolical minds. In the meantime, we’ve got a whole lot of living to do. We don’t want to worry about baby-sitters and pooper-scoopers while traveling to foreign lands and running semi-legitimate business fronts.
And there you have it – my little list of what I don’t want and honestly, things I don’t think even a bribed KGB agent could handle. That was the easy part. Now the hard part is saying what I do want without turning away someone wonderful.
My vision of the ideal accomplice is someone beautiful, intelligent with a good sense of adventure and purpose in life. You can take my breath away just as easily in sweatpants from across the room as you can rising out of the water in a bikini, holding a harpoon gun. You’re wise with your money but spend well on the things you love. You prefer to understand the world and how things work rather than merely standing there and letting life pass you by. You take good care of yourself. You’re very good at what you do and proud of it, even if no one else knows. You’re someone who can be trusted with secrets and who trusts her secrets with me (unless, of course, you ever betray me, then it’s off to the piranha tank.)
Does any of this sound good to you? I hope so. This is an honest ad, at least as honest as can be expected from an insane criminal mastermind. Even though sometimes I made a modest attempt to make it entertaining you should know that I am sincere and every word about me and my life is true.
Are you cautious about answering a personals ad? I don’t blame you, and in all honesty, you are probably my type of girl if this is the sort of thing you “don’t usually do.” There are a lot of nut-bar’s out there and before I decided to write this ad, I read some others and they were pretty freaky. I wanted to make my ad long enough to say the important stuff up front. With the short, vague ads you’re never really sure who you’re dealing with.
I’m just a reasonably attractive guy looking for his girl. Possibly you. So if you are interested or even just curious, write to me – tell me about yourself along with a recent photo or two. Who knows? It might be one of those small decisions you make in life that leads to something incredible.
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