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6 Body Language Mistakes That Silently Make Women Think You’re A Loser

November 3, 2008

This is difficult for a lot guys to accept, but here is the cold hard truth about women and attraction.

Ready?

Here it is:

You know those guys who are good with women, guys who are happy with the women in their lives, and guys who can get a new girl with no more effort than some people put into ordering lunch…?

You know those guys? Well…

They don’t “know” more than you.

They don’t necessarily DO more than you, either.

No. The one key to their success lies in the WAY they do things.

The thing you’re missing is in your BODY, not your brain!

It’s how you move, it’s how you stand, it’s how you look at her. Women can know your mind only when you speak… but they can feel your BODY from 20 feet away. And that feeling tells them a LOT really FAST. Women trust this kind of information more than anything you could possibly say.

Think about it. Have you ever heard a woman say something like “I don’t know, I guess he seemed kinda nice, but… there was just something creepy about him.” Or, “Oh my god, I met this amazing guy today… we were just looking at each other and didn’t even know what to say and it was this incredible experience!”

Yes! THAT’S the difference. Believe it. This is POWERFUL stuff.

Today is your chance to learn how to train your body… or I should actually say “RE-train” it. Because right now you’re probably held down by old, BAD PROGRAMMING that smears your chances with most women before you even have a chance to say “hello.”

(And by the way, it’s NOT your fault, either. Not everybody can grow up with an alpha-male father who showed you how to kick ass on the playground. I certainly didn’t. Some of us have to learn this the hard way, but that’s the good news. It CAN be learned! You can change everything and have success!)

Once you learn what physical confidence is and how to develop it, you’ll find the girls around you reacting differently… VERY DIFFERENTLY… simply by you existing in the same room with them.

See, most women are sizing you up from the second they notice your presence. And by the time you open your mouth, before you even say a single word… they’ve got you “figured out.”

Now you can whine and complain about how much that sucks and how unfair it is (as I used to) or you can reframe it and instead realize that “wait a second… if my initial success is mostly determined in the first 10 seconds… then how much would things change if I only PERFECTED my first impression?”

Yes, it really can be THAT easy…

…because sometimes the ONLY difference between a “confident” stance in the room that attracts women and a wussy one that repels them is JUST A FEW FEET, SOMETIMES ONLY A FEW INCHES.

At first your success will seem weird, almost magical, voodoo-like. Whatever. Just accept it and keep practicing until your old habits are wiped away, and replaced with the newer, more attractive ones I’m going to tell you. When you get to the point where you don’t even THINK about it anymore… congratulations, you’ve arrived.

Ok, so I’m sure you’ve heard tons of women say how important “confidence” is. But have you ever thought about what that really MEANS? Sure, it sounds cool, but what does it actually translate into you DOING?

Well, here’s the raw meat:

6 Body Language Mistakes Guys Make All The Time, And How To Fix Them

Mistake #1. Bad stance, bad walk

This includes body rocking, figiting, playing with random shit in your pockets, and appearing “closed off” to the world instead of “opened up” and friendly.

Let’s talk about that last one first: A lot of guys think it’s cool to “look cool” like you don’t give a shit about anything… but in reality, this only makes them LESS attractive for women to approach. It’s far better (and easier) to look open and friendly, than it does to be cool and reserved.

Also, too many of us look caved in like we’re eternally wallowing in our own self pity. Obviously, this is incredibly unattractive. But you’re communicating it every time you rock back and forth on your feet while you’re talking, every time you look down away from someone who’s talking to you, every time you jangle those keys in your pocket, or even sticking your hands in your pockets at all.

If what I just said sounds like you, go see the unflinching Clint Eastwood in movies like The Good, The Bad, The Ugly, A Fistfull of Dollars, or A Few Dollars More. Other good guys to watch are Paul Newman and Steve McQueen. If you can occupy space like how these guys do, your awkwardness will die forever.

In the meantime, here’s what you can do:

The fix: As for your general stance when you’re “just standing there” – if you’re ever in a bind and don’t know what to do, just stand there like you’re admiring an awesome piece of art on the wall.  Hands at your side, NOT in your pockets. Always remember: UP and OUT, with regards to your spine and chest. You should stand straight UP, with your chest OUT. (But DON’T expose your neck.) Feet flat on the floor, weight spread an even 50-50. Rock solid. When you’re first getting used to it, this might feel a little silly – BUT HEED MY WORDS: that’s what I used to think until I started doing it. The very first day I was practicing, I did it at the Cheesecake Factory while waiting for my table. Within 30 seconds, out of the corner of my eye, I saw this incredibly cute girl; looked just like Lisa Loeb, glasses and all. She approached me cold and we just started talking. Amazing. Ever since then it’s worked every day for me. DO IT.

Walking is similar, except you’re confidently gliding across the floor instead of standing around. The key here is to never hesitate; always know where you’re going and step confidently to get there. Don’t linger mid-step. Don’t crane your neck. That’s how clumsiness happens. If you need to look around and assess the situation, stop, then do what you need to do. Try to look more with your eyes and less with your head. It’s not attractive to go around flailing everywhere.

Now as for sitting, what you should do is sit asymmetrically (uneven), taking up as much space as you can and still be comfortable. Back mostly straight. Legs apart, feet flat on the floor. Don’t use your hands to rest your head UNLESS you’re bored. OWN your space. Consume it. You will get respect. Remember the quote: “Where ever I am is the place to be.” Why? Because you’re awesome. If you choose to be somewhere out of all your other options, then it MUST be “The Place To Be.”

A small note on crossing your legs: In general, it’s a risky move. If you put your ankle on your knee you show everyone an unflattering look at your dirty soles and violate the body language rule of blocking yourself off from people. Cross your legs at the knee and you look feminine like a woman. I think it’s obvious why you wouldn’t want that. So in general, don’t do it UNLESS you’re wanting to either “reward” a particular woman for “good behavior” (meaning, she did something you liked) or “punish” a particular woman for “bad behavior” (meaning, she didn’t comply with something you wanted.) If you’re going to do this, you do it with the ankle-to-knee method – cross your legs AWAY from her (shut her out from your body) whenever you want to convey disinterest in her and cross them TOWARD her (open her up to your body) to display interest and affection.

Mistake #2. Holding a “crutch”

Have you seen those guys walking around at parties with drinks in their hands, held up to their chest? Have you ever BEEN one of those guys? If so, knock it off! This one small act is killing your chances for women who would like to approach you and say something. Yes, it’s weird and yes its irrational, but it’s just how we human beings are wired; if someone is blocking their chest, or any vital organs at all (like the heart, lungs, groin, etc) then they are instantly 1000 times less likely to be approached than guys who are open and free. Also, it’s often these SAME GUYS who will take a swig of their drink or a drag on their cigarette the first split-second of discomfort they feel, which is SOON and OFTEN. This silently broadcasts to the room (especially women) “hey guys, look at me, I’m insecure!” It’s a major turnoff and if you’re paying attention, you can actually SEE the exact moment you lose the person you’re talking to or deflect the approach you would’ve gotten.

The fix: The easiest is to NOT carry a drink or cigarette or whatever AT ALL… but since you’re gonna have to eventually program your mind to not use some object as a protective crutch at social gatherings, here’s what I suggest: If you must carry such a thing around with you, for christsakes keep it DOWN and AT YOUR SIDE. Even if it’s a glass of wine, just scoop the bottom of the glass with your palm and hold it low and to the left. As low as you can. Then whenever you bring it up for a sip, maintain eye contact with the person you’re talking to until the very last moment (or even better, maintain eye contact if you can.) Then bring it back down and outta the way.

Mistake #3. Not “locking in”

This one is MAJOR. Understand this and get it right, and you’ll have crazy success. Basically “locking in” encompasses 2 concepts:

1. Never being alone when you’re “just standing around” and…
2. Never being on the “outside” of a conversation

Here’s what I mean:

Let’s say you’re in a room with a lot of people and notice a guy talking to some girls over at the bar. The girls are up against the bar, and he’s on the outside facing in at them. (Or instead of a bar, this could just as easily take place up against a wall, or among some chairs, couches, whatever.) Either way, the man in this situation is in a BAD position of lower social value than the people he’s talking to. Think about it. Notice how he looks to both the girls and everyone else in the room. Obviously he’s an outsider, a guy who doesn’t belong with those girls. Why? He’s on the outside, they’re on the inside. He obviously approached them and is now trying to get something from them. He’s not “locked in.”

This is important: It may seem like a little thing, but INCREDIBLE events will happen to you if you start locking yourself in as soon as possible into every social environment you enter. Often times this not only means moving yourself INTO a lock-in position (up against the wall or bar, seated among the friends at the table, etc) but also moving the girl you’re talking to into the outside place you once stood.

Hmmm… NOW what does it look like? Looks like SHE’S the one hitting on YOU!

It looks different to everyone in the room and it FEELS different for her. And believe me, it WILL make a difference in how the girls interact with you and how easy it will be for you to interact with others in the room later on.

Locking in can also be used with your own friends, or when you’re completely alone in a new environment. Leaning up against a wall or something using the right stance is far better than pacing around the room, like you’re nervously waiting for something to happen. You need to always look like you have a definite PURPOSE as to why you’re there and be SURE about who you are and why you’re right there instead of someplace else. This feeling will radiate to everyone else in the room, and if you combine it with appearing friendly and open (like I talked about above in #1), you make it easy for women to approach you.

One time I was waiting outside a courtroom for jury duty, propped up against one of the big marble pillars there like I owned the place. Up from the middle of the room came this absolutely beautiful girl who walked over about 20 feet and then stopped about 4 feet from me, just lingering there, messing around with her bag and playing with her hair, obviously HOPING I’d notice her and talk to her.

Another time I was at a wine party. “Let’s try this lock-in stuff,” I said to myself. So I sat down with my legs crossed (closed off toward the wall, but open toward the crowd of people), leaned back, and spread out like I owned the joint. Not 3 sips of wine later did I have this gorgeous black woman introducing herself to me, asking to sit down, complimenting me on my fake Adidas shoes (she thought they were real, I didn’t argue), and simply would NOT let me leave until she forced her phone number and e-mail address on me.

This kind of stuff happens all the time. I don’t do anything fancy. I just get “locked in” and posture my body differently than how I used to.

Mistake #4. Not being “present”

Women have special radar built in to detect whenever a guy isn’t really “there” with them. Right now. In the moment. The lights are on but nobody’s home. They can tell with stunning accuracy the second you leave your body and enter your mind.

The difference is like night and day.

This is often the thing that kills attraction before it even has time to grow. If you approach a woman while stuck in your head and not feeling “present” in your body, not sensing her in her body, and not aware of the environment around you – you’re toast.

Presence is a difficult one for a lot of guys to master, especially in today’s world of virtual interactions and gadgetry that have all but taken the place of normal physical activity. A lot of us grew up with computers, cell phones, and the internet and the price we paid for convenience is forgetting what it’s like to FEEL – to become fully AWARE of what is happening right now.

Here’s a funny video I recently uploaded to YouTube that will help you understand “presence” a little more. It’s a comedy sketch about a guy who loses his edge at work, so his boss sends him on a retreat to reconnect with his “inner self.” It’s funny, but a good reminder of how important it is to get out of your head and into your body.

The fix:

Anyway, to help with this, here is what you do:

Step 1 is to become aware of YOURSELF. Start by noticing your breathing in and out. You should start to calm down. Become aware of how the air feels, how your hands feel as you touch your chair, and how your feet feel as they touch the floor. Notice the texture of things. Feel it. Loosen up your shoulders by moving them around in a circle, maybe massage them a little. If you have to, jump around some, exercise – hell, even slapping yourself across the face or hitting your chest a few times will knock some sense into you. Whatever you do, FEEL it.

Step 2 is becoming aware of the person you’re with. Stop trying to think of “what you’ll say next” and just exist right there in the moment with her. The words will come to you. Lock eyes. Notice her facial expressions and what she does with her body.

Step 3 is being aware of your environment. Is someone about to bump into you? Her? Are the drinks coming soon? What’s going on?

The weird thing about presence is when you’re “trying” to be present, you’re not really present. But when you LET GO of yourself and forget about whether you’re present or not or what you’re “supposed” to be doing, you’re probably doing very well.

By the way, a good mindset to have at parties and clubs is that you’re the club owner and you’re just going around to everyone in the room and making sure they’re all having the best time possible. This gets you present and in front of a lot of people in a short period of time.

This whole thing will take some practice, especially if you’ve never taken martial arts, fencing, yoga, or something like that. Those things help you feel your body and own your space. It’s well worth the payoff. Your life will never be the same.

Mistake #5. Pecking

Has anyone ever come up to you in a noisy bar or club, and when they said something to you, you leaned in a few inches to “hear” them better?

Well, stop it.

This is called “pecking” because every time you lean in to “hear” you’re pecking at the person like an old hen. And think about it; does moving in a few measly inches REALLY make it easier to hear what they’re saying?

No. Of course not.

But somehow we’ve been trained to peck, and it’s hurting your social value big time. Why? Because it subconsciously communicates to other people that you “need” something from them. And in evolutionary terms, the needy guy does not get the best food, and certainly doesn’t get the best women.

The fix: Instead of pecking, you need to train yourself to just STAY STILL whenever someone speaks to you. Maintain that confident look and space-consuming posture. Don’t worry, you’ll hear them just fine. Even if you don’t just say “What?” and they’ll peck at you. The moment you start leaning into a woman, especially a group of women, you’re silently telling them you need them and their attention. Instead, you want them to be needing you and your attention.

Mistake #6. Following

This is a lot like pecking, except you do it with your whole body.

You should always be the leader, not the follower. If a group of women pass by while you’re locked in against the wall, just say what you’re going to say, only LOUDER. Don’t follow them so they can hear you. The second you take one step toward them, you’ve lost them forever. However, if you simply TALK LOUDER, even as they move away from you, they should turn around and come back eventually.

This also holds true for stores. If you’re with your girl in a store, she should be following your lead most of the time. If she wants to go off on her own for a bit and look at something, great. Let her. Meanwhile, you know why you’re there and you have things you want to look at too. Don’t worry, she’ll soon realize you’re not there. This will make her feel uncomfortable and she’ll come back to you pronto.

I can remember the very first date I ever went on. First time in public with a girl ever. At one point we were in the mall and I did the complete opposite of what I’m telling you here. Followed her around the whole place like a little lost puppy. Very unattractive behavior, and a little embarrassing for me to admit here on my blog.

If this sounds like you, it’s time to change. From now on, be the leader, not the follower. Sometimes this means going to a place several times before you finally go there with her, so you’ll know where everything is. Knowing the place inside out is a great way to naturally become “the leader.”

That’s enough to get you started for now. Once you have some success with this stuff, you’ll quickly see how important it all really is. What was really a breakthrough for me was realizing that the spoken part of my conversations with women was really just an EXCUSE to display our UNspoken attraction cues to each other.

Woah. Think about that for a minute.

In the beginning, however many millions of years ago, all we had as a species was body language. It’s how we knew to trust each other, fight each other, or whatever. A lot of it is still with us today. And if you take the time to master it, you can have some incredible successes at work, with friends, and of course, attracting women.


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Tags: alpha male, body language, body language mistakes, confidence, control, dating, developing a strong frame, following, locking in, mental programming, pecking, physical confidence, power, relationships, social dominance, social value, women

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