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50 Things Your Customers Want You To Know

May 29, 2009

customer-serviceA few days ago I was clearing out some of the old BS paperwork in my file when I came across this little gem.

I’m not sure who originally wrote it or where I even got it – but whoever it was really knew what they were talking about.

So here it is for you in full glory, 50 Things Your Customers Want You To Know – plus some of my own comments scattered around here and there.

Try to look and see what areas you’re failing at with your own customers. Chances are, if you just tweaked what you’re doing a little differently, you’d reduce refunds, sleep more comfortably at night and make a whole hell of a lot more money.

#1. I don’t need you to be perfect, but I do need to know I can rely on you.

Greg’s Aside: In fact, my experience has been that you get BETTER responses from customers when you openly admit flaws and confess shortcomings. The more “real” you become to them, the more tolerant they’ll be and the more likely they’ll buy again from you in the future. An important part of marketing is managing expectations. If your service is shit but your product delivers as promised, you won’t get any complaints if everybody understands the deal up front.

#2. Telling me what you don’t know makes me trust you.

Aside: People get suspicious of the man who has all the answers. They’ll think you’re hiding something and unless you’re God Himself, they’re probably right. It’s a lot better to explain what you’re NOT the best at, and then turn it around with a statement like “…but as long as that doesn’t apply to you, I can help with X…” Then they’ll be far more likely to go for it.

#3. It means a lot when you take the time to thank me for my business or a referral.

Aside: Don’t be an ass and skimp on this. Make a real phone call. Send a real honest-to-God thank you note, handwritten on physical paper. Do NOT Hallmark this. You’ll be shocked silly when you see the response.

#4. You don’t need to do all that much to be a superhero. Just do exactly what you say you will do.

Aside: If you ask me, it’s the number one rule in life: Always do what you say. If you can’t do it or don’t think you’ll be able to make it happen, don’t say it. Simple as that. Word will spread quicker than wildfire you’re a man of his word, and even your enemies won’t be able to deny it.

#5. A friendly voice on the other side of the phone means more than you can imagine.

Aside: I’ve had customers call me before, literally in tears. I’ve also had customers beaming with happiness and angrier than Satan on cocaine. It’s all in how you handle it. So what would YOU do? Never let anything bother you, no matter what kind of crazy bat-shit babble spews from their mouths. Always remain calm, cool, and never patronize them by saying stupid things like “I understand how you feel.” No you don’t – they’ll see right through it and just get even more pissed. Instead, just an “All right – what would you like to know?” or “Ok, what can I do to help?” is enough to get the ball rolling to your side. Then remember some personal detail about them and recall it later in the conversation. This lets them know you’re REALLY listening. Position yourself as an ally, not “customer service.”

#6. Your employees treat me about as well as you treat them.

#7. I don’t mind spending the money, as long as I feel I’m getting real value.

Aside: Keyword there is “feel” – because the concept of “real value” is different for everybody. People buy your stuff for their own reasons, which are often very different from the reasons YOU think they should buy. In the information products business, sometimes people buy your books, CDs, DVDs, etc. NOT for the info, but just to feel a closer kinship with a guru they admire and respect.

#8. My life is really stressful. If you can reduce that stress, you become immensely valuable to me.

#9. I want to tell you what would make this relationship better for me. Why don’t you ever ask?

Aside: Some people screw this one up by having a “Suggestion Box” (or the digital equivalent) or asking their mailing list open-ended questions like “What can I do to serve you better?” That’s too vague. If you want quality information from people you have to pump it out of them. You do this by being specific. Instead, ask: “You know that thing you ordered from me last week? How did that work out? I hope it got there in time.” or “Were you able to download the package ok? If there were any problems let me know so I can fix it ASAP.”

#10. I don’t understand a lot of the messages you send me. Can you make them clearer?

Aside: There’s one guy I know who literally sends me entire e-mails in the subject line only. Since space is short, so is the message. 9 times out of 10, he comes off as a caveman. I’ve lost all respect for this individual because he can’t communicate worth a damn. Another time someone wanted me to critique a sales letter that began with the headline “Surprise. This should be you. Learn how you can receive 3 big gifts. This letter contains an even bigger prize to benefit you.” – I held this paper in my hands and thought, “What in the hell are these people talking about?” Plus it didn’t help that the entire piece looked like a chain letter. The point is this: If you can’t communicate effectively and don’t want to take the time to learn, then hire somebody who can.

#11. My life is very complicated. If you make it easy for me to just buy a simple all-in-one package I can use without learning anything, I’ll take it and be grateful. I’ll even pay a premium for it.

Aside: Yup, people are lazy. Like it or not, that’s the world we live in. You can complain about it, OR you can use it to your advantage. Throw your best stuff into one huge mega pack and slap a HUGE price tag on it. A certain percentage of your customers will always take it. Always. It’s free money you didn’t have to strain your brain too hard to get and they’ll love you for it.

#12. I want to trust you, but it’s hard for me to trust anyone.

Aside: That’s why it’s SOOO important you internalize a concept I like to call “scary realism.” Basically, do everything you can in your communication to customers that makes you as real of a flesh-and-blood human being as possible. This will turn some people off, but those are the people who wouldn’t have spent much money with you anyway. The people it attracts, however, will spend more and (if you do it right) will become fanatical about doing business only with you, even if some schmuck opens up a shop next door (or next to your search engine placement.) The more “real” you are, the more that trust barrier lowers.

#13. Once you’ve won my trust and loyalty, the truth is you can screw up once in awhile and I will forgive you. That is, IF I don’t think you’re taking me for granted.

#14. When I refer my friends and you give them exceptional service, that makes me look and feel smart. I love that.

Aside: “What other people think” matters hugely to 99% of the population, regardless of the trend in most young people today to say “I don’t care what people think; I’m my own person.” It’s bullshit. They’re not their own person, they’re tied into society just like everyone else. So treat their friends exceptionally well, especially on their first purchase. It’s not just one sale you’re fighting for, but dozens more in the future.

#15. I spend an awful lot of time being scared to death.

Aside: Personally I blame the U.S. media for this. I think everyone would be a lot better off in life if they never, ever, ever, ever, never, never, never, EVER watched any sort of news program ever again. Most of it is negative garbage specifically designed to evoke a base emotional reaction out of an otherwise confused populace of herded sheep. Why? Because emotions sell. Not just stuff, but ideas. And to the news, the idea of fear is their primary product. Anyway, love it or hate it, this is reality in modern-day America. Your customers are frightened little lambs, stumbling around in the dark looking for a socket in which to plug in their dangling umbilical cord. If you don’t get ‘em, somebody else will. So it might as well be you. Lead them. Guide them. Be their deity.

#16. The wealthier I get, the more I like free stuff.

Aside: Dan Kennedy tells the story of spending a day with Lee Iacocca, the famous man who rescued the American auto industry from Japanese control. It was lunchtime and they went out for pizza. Iacocca had in his wallet, 2 wrinkled up coupons he’d been saving for just such an occasion. Coupons. Mega-millionaire. Coupons. Reinvents the auto industry. Coupons! Save $3 on a deep dish pizza. The moral is: You are never too rich for a discount.

#17. A lot of the time, I secretly feel like a lost little kid. I don’t admit it, but I want to be taken care of.

Aside: See#15 above.

#18. I’m lousy at admitting I was wrong, but I respect you when you do it.

Aside: ALWAYS admit your screwups. This goes over with customers big time. Companies who do this on a regular basis make more money and have higher stock prices than those who try to cover things up. Statistics prove it, common sense proves it. So just do it.

#19. I like to get little goodies no one else is getting.

#20. I don’t understand how to use your website, but I can’t admit that because it would make me feel dumb.

Aside: There’s that word again. “Feel.” It’s astounds me that after a decade of computers entering the mainstream, we still have millions of people enter the domain name they want into Google instead of using the address bar. It astounds me that blue underlined links (a relic from 1995) still continue to produce more clicks than any other type of link. And I’m flabbergasted by the fact that even though one of my websites has bolded red underlined text telling them what to do right next to the payment button, there’s still people who call me up wondering how to buy. Even so, this is reality. We have to accept it or get out of business altogether. Read some books on website usability or hire someone who knows what they’re doing. Your website needs to be lame-brain simple.

#21. There’s no worse feeling than feeling I was suckered into trusting you. If I’m screaming at you or one of your employees, that feeling is probably behind it somewhere.

#22. Our relationship isn’t equal and it never will be.

Aside: I’d add that it never should be anyway. You’re the guru, the leader, the almighty one. Not them. They are the apostles at your feet, lapping up your guidance. You’ve got to show you’re a real human being on their side of the table, yes… but it’s still your table.

#23. I get crazy jealous if I think you love another customer more than you love me.

#24. I don’t have any interest in your excuses. In fact, I usually don’t notice them at all, and if I do, they annoy me.

Aside: There’s a difference between admitting flaws in your character and making excuses for poor performance. Character flaws are part of your sales message, while making excuses is a pathetic attempt to explain why you failed to perform.

#25. I find myself endlessly fascinating.

Aside: Which is why your sales message should be primarily about the PROSPECT and not you. When writing a pitch, you dance a fine line between talking about yourself (for credibility and believability purposes) and talking about what you’ll do for the prospect. Anytime you talk about yourself, it has to be in direct relation to the prospect. Shake him to the core and make the benefits so real, he can feel them in his mind.

#26. I hate salespeople but I really like to buy things.

Aside: What people really hate is being pushed into making a decision they didn’t feel was really theirs. They don’t “own” it. Skilled salespeople know this and act accordingly – but I meet dumb ones all the time (especially at places like Furniture Factory Outlet) who hover over you like a vulture, swooping down with lies and shady closing tactics. You can “sell” people but they’ve got to feel like they’ve made up their own mind.

#27. I only like to communicate over the phone/web/mail and I hate when you try to make me communicate with you over the phone/mail/web.

Aside: What this one is really saying is, people buy the way they buy. You can’t treat all communication channels the same. If they bought your product by reading a long-form sales letter, then they’re going to be a different customer than one who bought via talking with you over the phone. Same’s true for physical stores. The mail. Whatever. How a particular person buys is how they buy and you can’t change it. The best thing to do is segment your customer list based on what medium they purchased through and then only market to them again via that particular method. Phone buyers get called. Mail buyers get mailed. Web buyers get sent to a sales page on your website.

#28. I want to buy your product, but I need you to help me justify it to myself.

Aside: People have all sorts of strange little guilt complexes that hold them back from getting what they really want. Maybe a woman sees a new pair of shoes at Macy’s, but stops short of buying because she’s low on cash this month. Then she gets a coupon in the mail for $20 off any pair of shoes. Suddenly she can now justify the purchase, even though she’s only saving $20 on a $150 pair of shoes. She still hurts for cash, but now it “makes sense.” The fact is, she wanted the shoes and if you didn’t get the sale, then someone else would have. People will do what they want based on whoever makes it easiest for them to justify doing it.

#29. There’s something in my life I’m afraid of losing. If you can make me feel like you’ve protected it for me, my gratitude will be intense and eternal.

#30. I’ll give you anything you ask if you can help me not feel silly.

Aside: Feel, feel, feel. See the trend here?

#31. I want you to do the hard work for me. Even better if I can get all the credit.

Aside: John Carlton has a great quote about writing. He says “People don’t want to learn how to write better. What they really want is to have already written something, and bask in the glow of that.” It’s the same old story; people want all the glory with none of the blood. You can scoff at that from your Ivory Tower or you can cash in off it and go live on the beach somewhere while they stew in the juices from their fake little world. Your choice.

#32. I’d rather do it the convoluted hard way than learn something new.

#33. I’d love to know something about your product that I could use to brag at a dinner party.

Aside: One of my Rolexes is the same model worn by Sean Connery in the first James Bond movie, Dr. No. How do I know that? An even more important question is: Why do I know that?

#34. I have the attention span of a goldfish. Go too long without contacting me and I’ll simply forget you exist.

#35. Money is no object when it comes to my obsessions.

Aside: Everybody has something they spend money on irrationally. For me it’s designer clothes, leather-bound books, foreign women, and marketing information. For my friend Jason it’s DVD sets and books on physics and math. My mom buys dozens of huge thick health books she’ll never read in a million years. Everybody’s got something, and to them, the money is no object.

#36. What you think you’re good at is not what you’re good at. Ask me, and I’ll tell you what you do better than anyone else.

#37. I like it when I feel like you’re talking just to me.

#38. It infuriates me when you answer the phone while I’m talking with you face-to-face.

Aside: NEVER do this. Have respect for the people who exist around you physically. After all, there is SOME reason why you’re in the same room with them at this moment, isn’t there? Personally, I don’t even own a cell phone. Got rid of it long ago. Believe it or not, the world used to get along just fine without them 15 years ago. Calm down and take a deep breath. Whatever they’re calling you about, it can wait.

#39. Embarrassment scares me more than death.

Aside: It’s no exaggeration. Don’t underestimate the power contained in these few words. Just because we’re not in grade school anymore doesn’t mean those primal fears somehow disappeared.

#40. I’m lazier than I would ever admit.

Aside: Well, I’m admitting it right here and now. I have a lazy streak just like everyone else. The trick is to find ways to motivate yourself and others to action. For some people this is as simple as a deadline. For other’s you need to paint a mural of pain inside their mind so vivid and real it makes them get off their jiggly butt and DO something about it. When faced with a realistic enough train, most people will get off the tracks.

#41. I’m more selfish than I would ever admit.

#42. I’m more vain than I would ever admit.

Aside: People want what they want, and they also want to look good while getting it. It helps to show them how getting your thing-a-majig will make them look good to the crowd.

#43. I’m more insecure than I would ever admit.

Aside: I’ve met beautiful women who thought they were ugly because of something VERY minor.  I’ve seen black women the size of a tugboat who thought they were God’s gift to men. People are amazing.

#44. Despite all that, I secretly think I’m a better person than most people. Help me believe that and we’ll be fast friends.

Aside: One of the things people fear most is looking bad in the eyes of others. Some people will stop at nothing to make sure they’re perceived as “a good person.” I personally believe this is how many college age women fall into the predictable pattern of liberal ideals. It’s not because they’ve studied all the viewpoints and settled on what they believe best. Nooo. They’ve picked the one that makes them look good. Because on the surface of it all, “redistribution of wealth” and “tax the evil rich” sound like the humanitarian thing to do, somewhat akin to adopting a puppy from the pound, except without all the “work” of actually doing anything.

#45. I believe I deserve much more than I’m getting.

#46. I want to tell you everything you need to know in order to sell to me, but I’m lazy. Make it easy enough and I will. (Especially if you flatter me a little.)

#47. I don’t know what I want most of the time. You need to figure it out for me.

Aside: When I’m describing payment methods to a customer over the phone, I can actually FEEL their mind slipping away. BUT… if I just tell them the ONE payment method I think they should use, they’re eager to pay up.

#48. I mostly daydream about making life better for myself, but I’ll take action to keep from losing what’s mine.

Aside: If you learn nothing from all this, heed these words: Fear of loss is millions of times more powerful than promise of gain. Repeat it in your sleep. Over and over.

#49. I believe that most of what’s wrong in my life is someone else’s fault. Let me keep that cozy illusion and I’ll believe anything you say.

Aside: And it’s just that, an illusion. Dan Kennedy has an old quote that goes something like, “Take a look at where you are right now in life. Because where ever you are right now, that’s EXACTLY where you want to be.” At first I didn’t believe this. I thought it was illogical and impossible. “Of course I’m not where I wanna be, why do you think I have goals?” But actually, what Dan said rang true when I realized the only difference between me and someone living what I supposedly “wanted” was… they were actually DOING something about it, and I was not. I was sitting around playing computer games and drinking wine instead of researching and developing my next new product that would bring in some dough. I didn’t want to admit this, but it was true.

#50. It really is all about me.

Yup, and there you have it. Really shines a new light on the human condition, huh? This is reality and this is the primary reason why the world moves forward at a snail’s pace. It’s up to us business men and women to grab the reins and drive society into the future. We are the movers of money, the creators of value, and drivers of destiny.

Without us, the world has no hope.


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