What’re You So Afraid Of Anyway?
June 22, 2009
Not long ago I was stuck in a dingy machine shop 20 miles from nowhere waiting around for the mechanics to install a new pipe and muffler on my car.
This was not because I love automobiles or get some kind of visceral thrill from rumbling engines and screaming tailpipes.
No I was here because not 3 days earlier, the state of Missouri deemed my “motor vehicle” a rolling death trap – ready, willing and able to gas its unsuspecting passengers Auschwitz-style.
But I wasn’t worried about that. Nagging on my mind was license plate renewal. Since the deadline was in mere days, this left me with 2 options:
1. Fork over a suitcase of unmarked $2,500 to some inner-city extortion ring (more commonly known as Midas or Firestone) for a new Infiniti exhaust system overhaul.
OR…
2. Journey 76 miles to hack my way through dense country forest and down a lonely dirt road leading straight to a man named Joe Todd.
You see, most people don’t have a “Joe Todd” at their disposal. When roadside disaster strikes, they’re forced to cough up serious dough to some chain-store lackey who could give a damn.
Not I.
Because thanks to my uncle’s vast network of crack-shot auto technicians, I’m able to get blackbelt service at a 97% discount. The only catch is you have to climb the mountain to meet the master.
Hence, Joe Todd. You don’t have to know what he looks like; when he enters the room, there’s not a doubt in your mind the mustached man standing before you could be none other. Everyone else who visits his shop certainly knows it. Just ask the Missouri state government.
On this particular occasion, my muffler work wasn’t the only business going down at Joe’s shop. As welding sparks danced on the scalding concrete of a sweltering summer afternoon, a Missouri Highway Patrol squad car kicked up a cloud of dust as it parked outside.
The hulking trooper stepped out of his car wearing big black aviator sunglasses. The way he strode into Joe’s shop left no question somebody was about to be in a deep heap of shit.
» And you’ll never guess what happened next… Click here to Read On…
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Tags: authority, auto mechanics, calm under pressure, death, defiance, fear, freedom, government control, highway patrol, joe todd, life, life lessons, media manipulation, passion, police state, scared, stalking, standing up to authority, terrorTopics: Philosophy | No Comments »
50 Things Your Customers Want You To Know
May 29, 2009
A few days ago I was clearing out some of the old BS paperwork in my file when I came across this little gem.
I’m not sure who originally wrote it or where I even got it – but whoever it was really knew what they were talking about.
So here it is for you in full glory, 50 Things Your Customers Want You To Know – plus some of my own comments scattered around here and there.
Try to look and see what areas you’re failing at with your own customers. Chances are, if you just tweaked what you’re doing a little differently, you’d reduce refunds, sleep more comfortably at night and make a whole hell of a lot more money.
#1. I don’t need you to be perfect, but I do need to know I can rely on you.
Greg’s Aside: In fact, my experience has been that you get BETTER responses from customers when you openly admit flaws and confess shortcomings. The more “real” you become to them, the more tolerant they’ll be and the more likely they’ll buy again from you in the future. An important part of marketing is managing expectations. If your service is shit but your product delivers as promised, you won’t get any complaints if everybody understands the deal up front.
#2. Telling me what you don’t know makes me trust you.
Aside: People get suspicious of the man who has all the answers. They’ll think you’re hiding something and unless you’re God Himself, they’re probably right. It’s a lot better to explain what you’re NOT the best at, and then turn it around with a statement like “…but as long as that doesn’t apply to you, I can help with X…” Then they’ll be far more likely to go for it.
#3. It means a lot when you take the time to thank me for my business or a referral.
Aside: Don’t be an ass and skimp on this. Make a real phone call. Send a real honest-to-God thank you note, handwritten on physical paper. Do NOT Hallmark this. You’ll be shocked silly when you see the response.
That’s 3, Click Here For 47 More… >>
Popularity: 6% [?]
Tags: customer complaints, customer service, customers, dan kennedy, hidden desires, people skills, reduce refundsTopics: Money & Business | 1 Comment »
My Journey To Shanghai – Part Deux
May 25, 2009
“Angel is good. But when Angel is bad, it’s a big bad.”
It was a warm Monday morning in Shanghai. Flora and I were about to head out for our first full day together when she stopped us short at my hotel room door.
“Wait wait,” she said, “Your hair is-a messed. Let me fix.” She grabbed something out of her little shiny black purse and stepped in close. So close I could feel her breath. So close I could notice every minute expression her adorable face revealed as she pinched and prodded her fingers through my hair.
In all of 10 seconds, her face told a complete story of her mysterious creation. She cycled between looks of concentration… surprise… and holding back laughter before finally settling on a mischievous mouth and innocent eyes.
“Okie, let’s go.” she said, hurriedly taking my arm.
“Woah, wait a second… what did you do to my hair?”
“I make-a you HANDsome,” she said wide-eyed, all innocent-like.
I played along. “I thought you said I was already handsome.”
“Mmm!” she smiled, nodding. (in Flora-ese this meant “yes”) Then she explained, taking careful time to fully pronounce each word, “You are a very handsome man, but here in Shanghai there are a lot of ladies. So I make-a you…” Her eyes squinted a playful seriousness, “…even MORE handsome.”
I’ll bet. We stepped into the elevator and I punched the button. Inside most of the wall was mirrored so I started turning around to assess the damage.
“No no no no no no no no no no no no!” Flora’s little mouth rattled off faster than a machine gun as she spun me back around, away from the mirror.
“Ohh, handsome, huh?” I said, slightly grinning at her with penetrating skepticism.
“Mmm! SO handsome!” She paused, before adding, “Most handsome man in the whole world!”
She was laying it on thick. This couldn’t be good.
I reached up to feel. But Flora was too fast. Just as my fingers grazed the hairline, she grabbed both my hands and pulled me in close. Our hips touched.
She knew how to keep my attention long enough. The elevator doors opened again and as we walked through the lobby, all bellhop eyes were on me. Strangely they only observed. No one smiled or threw even a fleeting glance of disapproval.
Out on the street, eyes followed me. Heads craned. A man passed us by only to double-take, looking back and grunting in utter confusion.
Before we got on the subway, I caught a look at myself in a bathroom mirror.
>> This was one naughty angel – click here to Read On…
Popularity: 8% [?]
Tags: china, chinese, chinese girls, communism, communist china, counterfeit goods, culture, flora, jade monkeys, li sheng biao, louis vuitton, pudong, qibao, shanghai, tourism, travel, trips, vacations, yu garden, yuyuan gardenTopics: Personal | 1 Comment »
My Journey To Shanghai China
May 7, 2009
“You are Satan. I am Angel. Therefore, our story will be one of Satan and the Angel.”
From day 1, she had it all figured out. Flora, the impossibly cute Chinese girl who would be my guide for the next week in Shanghai, sized me up in an instant.
Looking back at her through my trademark big black avaitor sunglasses, curiosity struck.
“And why am I Satan?”
“Becaaause…” she paused, rocking back as if examining a painting, “…you looka like… a Satan.” she giggled, as most Chinese girls do, covering her mouth with her hand.
Fair enough.
Maybe it was the shades. Maybe it was the suit. It didn’t matter – this girl was bursting personality from the seams and had the looks to match.
In China, some of the older folks have a word for guys like me: gui lo, or… “white devil.”
A couple hours earlier my plane touched down in Communist China… home to over 1.3 billion souls, over 20 million in Shanghai alone. Uniqueness is an illusion. This is the kind of country where even if you’re a one in a million, it means there’s still 1,300 people just like you.
And after a 14 hour flight stretching 7,050 miles through negative 85 degree temperatures around the North Pole, down through the vast pointlessness of Siberia, over Japan, and finally west to China… I had no idea what to expect.
>> Everything You Know About China Is Wrong – click here to Read On…
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Tags: china, chinese, chinese girls, communism, communist china, counterfeit goods, culture, eversunshine hotel, gui lo, jade monkeys, li sheng biao, pudong, qibao, shanghai, tourism, travel, trips, vacationsTopics: Personal | No Comments »
Voicemails From Crazy People
April 5, 2009
It’s times like tonight when I wish I’d saved ALL the voicemails crazy people have left on my phone over the years.
Because then I’d have dozens and dozens to share with you here on my site.
Instead, I only have this small collection from 4 different people.
It starts off with a taste of what I like to call “The Life & Times of Matt” – join me as we take an inside look into the twisted, wretched shell of a young man groping at life to discover meaning and purpose… ultimately realizing there is never a rose without a thorn.
Then we’ll journey to the outer limits of someone I should’ve never given my phone number to in the first place with one I nicknamed… “Tequila Girl”, otherwise known as Stephanie.
Next up – the cute, adorable, almost-lovable-if-it-weren’t-for-so-many-damn-calls-at-all-hours-of-the-night-and-day… Tera.
Finally we’ll end with a call I got from a young gentleman concerned about the welfare of his genitals.
Enjoy! I certainly did whenever I put these together this evening 
Oh, the memories…
The Life and Times of Matt [4:33m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download Tequila Girl [2:57m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download Sweet Tera [18:56m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download Why Does It Bleeeed [0:14m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | DownloadPopularity: 14% [?]
Tags: crazy voicemails, funny voicemail messages, funny voicemails, girls, phone calls, stalker girl, tequila girl, voicemail download, weirdTopics: Humor | 2 Comments »
